Understanding childhood trauma, behaviour, and why connection works better than punishment
For many years, smacking children was widely accepted as normal discipline. Many adults still say the same phrase:
“I was smacked and it never did me any harm.”
I used to say that too.
But when I began doing my own healing work later in life, I started to question that belief.
Because when I looked honestly at my childhood and adulthood, I realised something uncomfortable.
I didn’t grow up motivated by love.
I grew up motivated by fear of the repercussions.
And that fear followed me into adulthood in ways I didn’t recognise at the time.
My Own Realisation: When “It Did Me No Harm” Wasn’t True
Growing up, punishment was normal. Fear was normal.
I remember when corporal punishment was removed from schools. The cane had been a standard disciplinary tool for decades.
In England, corporal punishment in state schools was officially banned in 1987, and later banned in private schools in 1998.
And I remember adults in my life disagreeing with the change.
Their view was simple:
“Now children will have nothing to fear.”
Looking back now, that sentence says a lot about how discipline used to be understood.
The assumption was that fear was necessary to control children.
There was very little curiosity about what might actually be driving the behaviour.
No one asked questions like:
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What is this child feeling?
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What is happening at home?
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What need is not being met?
The focus was always on stopping the behaviour, not understanding it.
The Hidden Impact of Fear-Based Parenting
As a child, I believed smacking hadn’t affected me.
But later in life I struggled with:
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low self-worth
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difficulty setting boundaries
At the time, I didn’t connect those things to my childhood.
But when we start looking through a trauma-informed lens, the links begin to make sense.
Fear teaches children something very powerful:
Your safety depends on pleasing others.
And that message can shape an entire life.
The ACEs Study: How Childhood Experiences Shape Adult Life
Research into Adverse Childhood Experiences has transformed our understanding of how childhood environments affect long-term health.
ACEs include experiences such as:
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physical or emotional abuse
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neglect
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growing up in unsafe environments
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exposure to violence or instability
The research shows that higher ACE scores are linked to increased risks of:
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anxiety and depression
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addiction
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relationship difficulties
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chronic health problems
Some researchers now argue that physical punishment itself should be considered an adverse childhood experience, because it exposes children to violence within their primary relationship of safety.
The Science: Physical Punishment Doesn’t Improve Behaviour
Many parents use smacking because they believe it will stop unwanted behaviour.
But decades of research consistently show something different.
Studies across more than 160,000 children have found that physical punishment is associated with:
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increased aggression
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antisocial behaviour
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lower self-esteem
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poorer mental health outcomes
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worse parent-child relationships
In fact, researchers repeatedly conclude that physical punishment does not improve behaviour and may actually make it worse over time.
The World Health Organisation also reports that children exposed to corporal punishment face higher risks of anxiety, depression, and emotional instability.
So while punishment may stop behaviour in the moment, it does not address the root cause.
Behaviour Is the Tip of the Iceberg
In trauma-informed work we often use a simple but powerful framework:
Underneath every behaviour is a feeling.
Underneath every feeling is a need.
Children often don’t have the language or emotional maturity to explain what they need.
So their needs appear through behaviour.
For example:
A child shouting might be feeling overwhelmed.
A child refusing to listen may feel powerless.
A child acting out may simply be needing attention or reassurance.
If we only focus on stopping the behaviour, we miss what the child is trying to communicate.
But when we identify the feeling and the unmet need, something important happens.
When the need is met, the behaviour often changes naturally.
Fear Changes Behaviour, But Not the Child
Punishment can stop behaviour temporarily.
But it doesn’t teach emotional skills.
When behaviour changes purely out of fear, the child may become:
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anxious
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hyper-vigilant
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afraid of making mistakes
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disconnected from their own feelings
Those patterns can continue into adulthood.
In fact, studies show children exposed to physical punishment are more likely to experience behavioural and mental health problems later in life.
Did Behaviour Get Worse After Schools Stopped Corporal Punishment?
Some people argue that discipline in schools collapsed when caning was banned.
But research doesn’t support that claim.
International studies suggest the opposite.
Countries with stronger bans on corporal punishment tend to see lower levels of youth violence, with reductions of around 31% among boys and 41% among girls compared with countries where corporal punishment remains common.
Other studies have also found that broader bans on corporal punishment are associated with less physical fighting among adolescents.
In other words, removing physical punishment does not create chaos.
It often creates healthier environments for children.
The Carrot Works Better Than the Stick
There’s an old saying:
“The carrot works better than the stick.”
Children respond far better to:
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connection
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encouragement
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emotional guidance
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consistent boundaries
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feeling safe with their caregiver
Fear may control behaviour in the moment.
But connection teaches children how to regulate themselves.
And that is a skill they carry for life.
My Reflection as a Parent
When I was pregnant with my eldest child, I did what many new parents do.
I read all the discipline books.
I watched programmes like ‘Supernanny‘.
I wanted to learn how to raise a well-behaved child.
But years later, after my own healing journey, I realised something.
All those books about discipline…
Who were they really written for?
Were they for the child?
Or were they for the parent?
Looking back, I think many were really about helping parents create the perfectly behaved child.
A quiet child.
A compliant child.
A child who doesn’t make life difficult.
But children are not meant to be perfectly behaved.
They are meant to be learning, feeling, exploring, and sometimes struggling.
And what they really need is love, safety, and connection.
Breaking Generational Patterns
Many parents today are trying to do something incredibly brave:
parent differently from how they were raised.
That isn’t always easy.
But awareness gives us something powerful.
Choice.
Children don’t need perfect parents.
They need parents who are willing to:
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understand behaviour instead of just punishing it
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meet emotional needs
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repair mistakes
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create safety instead of fear
Because when children grow up feeling safe and loved, they learn something that will shape their entire lives:
Even when I struggle, I am still worthy of care.
Final Thoughts
Fear may stop behaviour in the moment.
But love, safety, and understanding change something far deeper.
They help children develop emotional resilience, self-worth, and healthy relationships.
And in the long run, that will always be more powerful than punishment.
Andrea, x