Why Do We Keep Repeating the Same Relationship Patterns?
Have you ever found yourself drawn to the same kind of partner… even when it doesn’t feel good?
Or noticed how some people feel too close, while others feel emotionally unavailable?
These patterns don’t come out of nowhere. They are often rooted in two key parts of our early development:
- Attachment — how safe and secure we felt with caregivers
- Individuation — how we developed a sense of self, separate from others
Together, these shape how we love, connect, and protect ourselves in adulthood.
What Is Individuation — and Why Does It Matter?
Individuation is the process of becoming your own person.
It begins in early childhood, when we slowly realise:
- “I am separate from my caregiver”
- “My thoughts and feelings are mine”
- “Other people have their own inner world too”
When this process unfolds safely, we learn something incredibly important:
We can be close to others without losing ourselves.
But when individuation is disrupted, we may grow up feeling:
- Overly responsible for others
- Unsure of who we are
- Afraid of being alone or abandoned
- Or, at the other extreme, emotionally shut down and independent to a fault
How Early Relationships Shape Us
Our early caregivers don’t just meet our physical needs — they shape our emotional blueprint.
When a caregiver is:
- Consistent
- Emotionally available
- Attuned
We begin to feel safe in connection.
But when caregiving is:
- Inconsistent
- Distant
- Overwhelming
- Or unpredictable
We adapt.
Not because something is wrong with us —
but because we are trying to survive emotionally.
Why “Object Constancy” Is So Important
One of the most important things we learn as children is this:
Someone can love me… and still disappoint me.
This is called object constancy — the ability to hold a stable, balanced view of another person.
When this develops well, we can:
- Tolerate conflict in relationships
- See people as complex (not all good or all bad)
- Stay emotionally grounded even when things feel difficult
But when this doesn’t develop, we may swing between:
- Idealising someone
- Then feeling deeply hurt or rejecting them
This is often where we see “splitting” — viewing people in extremes, because holding both sides feels too overwhelming.
Understanding Attachment Styles
Our attachment style is shaped by how safe or unsafe our early relationships felt.
Here’s how that can show up:
Secure Attachment
When we’ve experienced steady, safe connection, we tend to:
- Feel comfortable with closeness and independence
- Trust others without losing ourselves
- Communicate openly
- Maintain stable, balanced relationships
Anxious Attachment
If love felt inconsistent or uncertain, we may:
- Fear abandonment
- Seek reassurance and closeness
- Struggle with self-worth
- Feel “too much” or “not enough” in relationships
Often, anxious attachment shows up as:
“Please don’t leave me.”
Avoidant Attachment
If emotional needs were dismissed or not met, we may learn:
- To rely only on ourselves
- To avoid vulnerability
- To keep emotional distance
This can look like:
“I don’t need anyone.”
Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganised) Attachment
Often rooted in trauma or confusing caregiving, this creates a push-pull dynamic:
- Wanting closeness
- But fearing it at the same time
“Come close… but not too close.”
Why Opposites Attract (and Repeat the Past)
One of the most common dynamics I see in therapy is this:
- Anxious partners who pursue
- Avoidant partners who withdraw
It’s not random.
It’s often a re-creation of early emotional experiences —
a nervous system trying to resolve something unfinished.
Codependency and Losing Yourself in Relationships
For many people, especially those who identify with codependency, individuation didn’t fully happen in a safe way.
This can lead to:
- Difficulty setting boundaries
- Over-giving or people-pleasing
- Feeling responsible for others’ emotions
- Losing yourself in relationships
- Repeating familiar (but painful) dynamics
At its core, codependency is often this:
A conflict between the need for closeness and the need to be yourself.
Healing Is Possible
Here’s the part I always want people to hold onto:
Your past shaped you — but it doesn’t have to define you.
Through awareness, therapy, and safe relationships, you can:
- Build a stronger sense of self
- Learn to tolerate closeness without fear
- Set boundaries without guilt
- Move towards secure attachment
Healing isn’t about becoming someone new.
It’s about coming back to who you were before you had to adapt.
A Gentle Next Step
If you’re starting to recognise yourself in these patterns, you’re not alone — and you’re not broken.
This is exactly the kind of work I explore in my therapy practice.
Because when you begin to understand why you relate the way you do…
you can finally start choosing something different.
Andrea, x