It can be one of the hardest things to understand.
You watch someone choose a partner over their children. You see a friend stay with someone who lies, cheats or betrays them, while pushing away the very people trying to help. From the outside, the choices can seem impossible to comprehend.
People often ask, “Why would anyone stay?” or “Why would they choose them over everyone else?”
But those questions are usually looking at the behaviour without understanding the nervous system and the subconscious patterns driving it.
As a therapist, I’ve learned that if we only judge the behaviour, we miss the story underneath it.
Many of us grow up believing that love has to be earned. We learn that our needs are too much, that conflict means abandonment, or that we must sacrifice ourselves to keep relationships alive. These beliefs don’t disappear when we become adults. They become the invisible blueprint we carry into every relationship.
Our attachment style isn’t just about how we relate to other people. It shapes what feels familiar, what feels safe, and even what our brain mistakes for love.
For someone with deep abandonment wounds, leaving a harmful relationship may not simply feel sad—it can feel life-threatening. The fear isn’t just of losing a partner; it’s of confirming the painful belief that they are unlovable, alone or not enough.
This is why logic so often loses against emotion.
I’ve seen people devastated about being separated from their children, yet repeatedly return to an abusive partner. Not because they don’t love their children, but because trauma, fear, coercive control and powerful attachment patterns keep pulling them back into the relationship.
I’ve also seen friendships fall apart because someone chose a partner who repeatedly lied, manipulated or disrespected them. Their friends couldn’t understand it. They had shown them evidence. They had warned them. Yet they still stayed.
From the outside, it can look like they’re choosing the wrong person.
From the inside, they’re often choosing what their subconscious has learned is familiar.
The subconscious isn’t asking, “Is this healthy?”
It’s asking, “Does this feel like home?”
And if home was unpredictable, emotionally unavailable, critical or unsafe, healthy relationships can actually feel uncomfortable at first.
This doesn’t excuse harmful choices.
People are still responsible for the impact their behaviour has on others. Children deserve protection. Friends deserve honesty and respect. Abuse is never acceptable.
But understanding why someone behaves the way they do allows us to respond with compassion rather than only condemnation.
I often think about the phrase, “Separate the sin from the sinner.”
You can disagree with someone’s choices while still recognising that beneath those choices may be a frightened nervous system doing exactly what it learned to do to survive. Beneath every behaviour is a feeling. Beneath every feeling is a need. When we meet the need, the behaviour changes.
Healing begins when people become aware of these unconscious patterns.
When they understand their attachment wounds.
When they learn to regulate their nervous system instead of being driven by it.
When they realise that what feels familiar isn’t always what is healthy.
Because once the subconscious becomes conscious, people finally have a choice.
And that choice can change not only their relationships, but the lives of everyone around them.
Andrea, x