For a long time, I was deeply codependent in friendships — even before I had the language for it.

On the surface, I looked like a great friend. I was generous, thoughtful, reliable. I was the one who made the effort, remembered things, showed up, and took care of people.

Underneath, though, I didn’t believe that being me was enough to keep people close.

When Over-Giving Felt Like Love

I remember when I got my first flat. I was proud of it — and also anxious. Almost straight away, I started inviting a particular friend over for dinner every single week. I cooked, hosted, made an evening of it

But I did notice at the time was that I was never invited back.

Still, week after week, I made the effort. Week after week, nothing came the other way.

I told myself I was just being kind. Easygoing. Low-maintenance.

But slowly, resentment built.

Eventually, I snapped. I listed all the times I’d invited her, all the effort I’d made, all the ways I’d shown up.

And she said something that, at the time, made me furious:

“But you didn’t have to.”

Back then, I couldn’t hear it. I felt unseen and unappreciated.

Now, with distance — and a lot of therapeutic understanding — I can see that she was right.

I didn’t have to.
I chose to.
And I never set any boundaries around what I was giving.

Taking Care of Friends Instead of Trusting Connection

This wasn’t a one-off pattern.

For years, I felt a quiet, persistent sense that I had to earn my place in friendships. I took care of people. I treated them. I bought things. I organised. I gave more than was asked for.

It was as though I didn’t trust that simply being present, honest, and myself would be enough.

That belief — “I’m not enough unless I give more” — sits at the heart of many codependent friendship patterns.

And it’s something I now see regularly in my therapy work.

How Codependency Shows Up in Friendships

When people think about codependency, they usually think about romantic relationships. But for many women, friendships are where this pattern quietly plays out.

Codependent friendship dynamics often include:

• Over-giving time, energy, or resources

• Avoiding conflict by not naming needs

• Feeling responsible for the emotional tone of the relationship

• Struggling to tolerate imbalance without self-blame

• Building closeness through usefulness rather than mutuality

What’s often missing isn’t care — it’s boundaries.

When There Are No Boundaries, Resentment Does the Talking

Without boundaries in friendships, giving becomes automatic rather than intentional.

You don’t ask:

• Do I have the capacity for this?

• Is this something I want to give, or feel I should give?

• Is the effort in this friendship broadly reciprocal over time?

Instead, you push past your own limits — and tell yourself it’s fine.

Until it isn’t.

Resentment isn’t a sign that you’re unkind or demanding. From a therapeutic perspective, resentment is often a boundary signal — information that something has been given at a personal cost that hasn’t been acknowledged or chosen freely.

In friendships without clear boundaries, expectations stay unspoken. And unspoken expectations are where pain grows.

Why “They Didn’t Ask You To” Can Feel So Painful

One of the hardest moments for people with codependent patterns is realising that the other person didn’t ask for the level of giving they received.

That realisation can feel invalidating — even humiliating.

But clinically, it’s often the turning point.

Because it shifts the focus away from “Why don’t they appreciate me?”
and towards
“Why did I feel I had to give this much to be valued?”

That’s not a criticism. It’s an invitation to build boundaries that protect connection rather than erode it.

Healthy Friendships Are Built With Boundaries, Not Self-Abandonment

Boundaries in friendships don’t make you distant, selfish, or transactional.

They help you:

• Give from choice, not obligation

• Let effort be more balanced over time

• Say no without guilt or over-explaining

• Allow others to take responsibility for themselves

• Stay connected without disappearing

When boundaries are present, generosity becomes sustainable — and friendships feel safer, clearer, and more mutual.

Signs You May Be Over-Doing It in a Friendship

You might recognise some of these patterns:

• You regularly give more time, effort, or emotional support than you receive

• You say yes automatically, then feel drained or resentful afterwards

• You struggle to express needs and hope the other person will notice instead

• You feel responsible for maintaining the friendship

• You minimise your disappointment to avoid conflict

• You feel anxious about pulling back in case the friendship fades

• You equate closeness with effort, fixing, or caretaking

• You notice resentment building but aren’t sure how to set boundaries without guilt

If this resonates, it doesn’t mean you’re “bad at friendships”.

It often means you learned — somewhere along the way — that connection had to be earned through effort rather than supported by boundaries.

You Don’t Have to Earn Your Place Anymore

Learning to step out of codependent friendship patterns isn’t about doing less because you care less.

It’s about doing less because you’re finally including yourself in the relationship.

With boundaries in place, friendships can become something different:
Not exhausting.
Not one-sided.
Not quietly resentful.

Just human, mutual, and real.

A Gentle Reflection Exercise: Checking Your Boundaries in Friendships
You might want to take a few quiet minutes with these questions — journalling if that feels helpful, or simply reflecting.
Where do I tend to over-give in friendships?
Notice patterns rather than judging yourself. Is it time, emotional support, money, organising, caretaking, or availability?
What do I hope will happen when I give this much?
For example: feeling valued, included, secure, appreciated, or less likely to be left.
What would a small boundary look like here?
Not a dramatic withdrawal — just one gentle limit. Saying no once. Not rescuing. Waiting to see if effort is reciprocated.
What feelings come up when I imagine doing less?
Guilt, anxiety, fear of rejection, relief? These feelings often tell you more than the situation itself.
If I trusted that I didn’t have to earn connection, what might change?
This question often points towards the deeper work around self-worth and boundaries.

There’s no “right” answer to these questions. The aim isn’t to fix anything immediately — it’s to begin noticing where your needs and boundaries may have been quietly left out of the relationship.
Learning to build boundaries in friendships is a process. One that unfolds with curiosity, compassion, and practice.

f you’re tired of over-giving in friendships and want support to build healthier boundaries, therapy can offer a space to explore this safely and at your own pace.
You’re welcome to get in touch to see how we could work together.