Are You Abandoning Your Self?

As soon as we are born, life comes at us.

We all need attachment, to survive, and if your parents or caregivers didn’t meet your emotional needs fully, you were abused, abandoned, or neglected, you will feel unworthy and unlovable deep down. You will learn behaviours to cope and to keep yourself as safe as possible. This is where self-abandonment takes place.

Children depend on adults to meet their emotional and physical needs. But when you live in an unpredictable, chaotic, or abusive family, you learn to hide your true self.

If you were brought up in a home without strong boundaries, or where the emotions of a dysregulated member of the family takes precedent, we are made to feel guilty or selfish for having our own needs or desires.

If you didn’t have caregivers who asked how you were feeling, and helped you make sense of your own emotions, or you weren’t taught how healthy ways of coping or how to regulate your emotions, you will learn that to earn love and approval, and to stay ‘attached’ means to betray your own self.

Self-abandonment is a learned behaviour, It’s how you tried to cope with unhealthy or dysfunctional family dynamics. . You morph into whatever role will keep the peace and help you avoid ridicule, put-downs, or  physical and emotional pain. You learn to suppress your feelings and needs, and you adapt as your worth depends on traits your caregivers like about us, repressing traits they don’t.  You literally aren’t yourself.

This false self is the self we show the world.

As adults, we tend to repeat these types of patterns from childhood because they’re familiar; we repeatedly choose partners and friends who mistreat, take advantage of, or dont support us. And we do the same to ourselves. We don’t know how to be there for ourselves because no one was truly there for us as children. We subconsciously continue to make choices based on others approval.

This self-destructive pattern ultimately causes deep resentment. It can contribute to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and unfulfilling relationships. Abandoning yourself may have been a necessity to keep yourself safe during childhood, but it isn’t serving you anymore.

I had had a lifetime of codependent behaviours, toxic friendships and abusive relationships, before I finally hit rock bottom and started working on myself. Creating strong boundaries, learning empathy and compassion for myself, and building up my self-worth so I no longer needed validation from others.

Reparenting my inner child, forgiving my past self, taking accountability, and healing, eventually starting the exciting journey of actually finding out who I really was. My real true authentic self.

Curiosity instead of judgement. Compassion instead of shame.

Journalling, yoga, meditation, and therapy can help you to learn new coping skills, expand your window of tolerance, and stop maladaptive behaviours such as people-pleasing, substance abuse, and addictions.

Look after your ‘self’,

 

Andrea x