What’s Your Attachment Style?

The primary goal of a human infant is to maintain proximity to its caregiver, which was necessary for survival during our evolution. Babies can’t survive alone. They depend on their main caregiver (attachment figure) to literally keep them alive.

Founded by psychoanalyst John Bowlby in the 1950s and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, attachment theory outlines how your bond with your primary caregivers sets the foundation for how you navigate relationships throughout the rest of your life. He believed that because of evolution, infants and toddlers monitor their parents to discover which strategies would allow them to stay close.

We unconsciously expect our romantic partners to act as our parents did, and therefore, we act in certain ways due to these expectations. These tendencies play out whether we are conscious of this, or not.

In the 1970s, developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth developed a study on infants between the ages of 9-18 months old; the study observed the level of attachment security in children within the paradigm of caregiver relationships.

This involved eight short episodes (lasting around 3 minutes) where a mother, child, and stranger are introduced, separated and then reunited.

This observational study was titled the ‘strange situation’ .

Using the strange situation model, Ainsworth studied the infants to determine the styles and nature of attachments displayed between mother and child.

The set up was conducted in a small room with one way glass so that the children could be easily observed. Ainsworth’s sample of children represented 100 middle-class American families.

In short episodes, the children, mothers and experimenters were observed in the following eight scenarios:

• Mother and infant together. Child has the opportunity to explore and play with toys. Mother watches.
• A stranger joins the mother and infant. After a short while, the stranger attempts to play with the child.
• The mother leaves the room. The stranger remains and attempts to play with the child.
• Mother returns after a short while (or as soon as the child begins to show heightened distress), and the stranger departs (First reunion)
• Mother also departs, leaving the baby completely alone
• Stranger returns and attempts to play with or comfort the infant.
• Stranger leaves and mother returns (Second reunion)

The whole procedure takes about 20 minutes. When mothers leave the room, most children stop playing.  They show separation anxiety which normally triggers attachment behaviour. Infants protest by crying and attempt to follow the mother when she exits.  This illustrates that when attachment behaviour is activated, curious, exploratory or ‘play’ behaviour ceases.

However, more importantly in determining a child’s attachment style, is the infant’s behaviour upon reunion with the mother.

Ainsworth scored each of the responses and grouped them into four interaction behaviours:

closeness and contact seeking,

maintaining contact,

avoidance of closeness and contact,

resistance to contact and proximity.

These interactions were based on the two reunion episodes during the observation. The children were then classified by one of four attachment styles:

Secure

Children belonging to this style found it easy to demonstrate confidence towards caregivers and tended to use these ‘monotropic’ attachment figures as a base to explore their surroundings.

These infants are easily reassured by primary caregivers and children who develop under this style are nurtured and are given encouragement from caregivers, allowing them a safe platform to develop securely.

If a child can consistently rely on their parents to fulfill their needs growing up, they’re likely to develop a secure attachment style. They’ll see relationships as a safe space where they can express their emotions freely. Having a ‘secure base’, paradoxically, allows the child to feel safe enough to be curious, explore, play and learn.

On the other hand, insecure attachment styles develop if a child has had a strained bond with their caregivers. This happens when the child learns they may not be able to rely on others to fulfill basic needs and comfort.

Secure adults continue to be comfortable with being emotionally close with partners, parents and friends, but also happily independent when situations require it. They are relaxed about seeking help should the need arise, and good at providing comfort and support to others.

Signs of a secure attachment style include:

• ability to regulate your emotions
• easily trusting others
• effective communication skills
• ability to seek emotional support
• comfortable being alone
• comfortable in close relationships
• ability to self-reflect in partnerships
• being easy to connect with
• ability to manage conflict well
• high self-esteem
• ability to be emotionally available

Avoidant (aka dismissive, or anxious-avoidant in children) 

Children who fall under the avoidant style tend not to look to their caregiver when exploring their environment. They also don’t reach out to the attachment figure in times of distress. They have learnt that the best way to remain close to the caregiver (and hence safe), is to suppress emotions, and cause as little stress to the caregiver as possible.

Such children are likely to have a caregiver who is insensitive and rejecting of their needs ( Ainsworth, 1979).

Some avoidant-producing parents are outright neglectful but others are simply busy, slightly disinterested, and more concerned with things like grades, chores, or manners than feelings, hopes, dreams, or fears.

As a result, avoidant children may learn to adopt a strong sense of independence so they don’t have to rely on anyone else for care or support.

Signs of an avoidant attachment style include:

• persistently avoid emotional or physical intimacy

• feel a strong sense of independence

• are uncomfortable expressing your feelings

• are dismissive of others feelings and emotions, or see them as weak

• have a hard time trusting people

• feel threatened by anyone who tries to get close to you

• believe you don’t need others in your life

Anxious (aka preoccupied, or anxious-ambivalent in children)

Anxious or ambivalent attachment style is when a child exhibits ambivalent behaviour towards his/her caregiver. The child is not easily comforted by the caregiver and often demonstrates clingy and dependent behaviour towards an attachment figure yet still rejects them in times of interaction.

When exploring their environment, the child displays difficulty in separating from the attachment figure. Ainsworth concluded that this behaviour is due to a lack of consistency delivered from caregiver to child.

Anxious children have learnt that their best way of staying close to the caregiver, and hence safe, is to show great distress, and to literally ‘cling’. They have difficulty understanding their caregivers and have no security for what to expect from them moving forward. They’re often confused within their parental relationships and feel unstable.

Children with this attachment style experience very high distress when their caregivers leave. Sometimes, the parents will be supportive and responsive to the child’s needs while at other times, they will not be attuned to their children. This inconsistency creates a very confused, anxious, needy child.

Caregivers may have also:

• alternated between being overly affectionate, and detached or indifferent
• been easily overwhelmed
• been sometimes attentive and then push you away
• made you responsible for how they felt

Anxious children often grow up thinking they are supposed to take care of other people’s feelings and often become codependent, in adult relationships.

Signs you might have an anxious attachment style include:

• clingy tendencies
• highly sensitive to criticism (real or perceived)
• needing approval or validation from others
• jealous tendencies
• difficulty being alone
• low self-esteem
• feeling unworthy of love
• intense fear of rejection
• intense fear of abandonment
• difficulty trusting others

Disorganised (aka fearful-avoidant in children)

Disorganised attachment style is thought to be a consequence of abuse and trauma in childhood.

This could include physical, emotional, verbal, or sexual abuse from a caregiver. It could also be a consequence of witnessing the caregiver harm others, like another parent or older sibling.

When children grow up feeling afraid of the same person they’re seeking love and care from, it can affect the way they view their close relationships as adults.

When children learn that someone who loves them can also deeply hurt them or ignore their needs, it creates inner turmoil that then manifests in other relationships.

Signs of a disorganised attachment style include:

• fear of rejection

• inability to regulate emotions

• negative image/self-worth

• Deep rooted shame

• contradictory behaviours

• high levels of anxiety

• difficulty trusting others

• signs of both avoidant and anxious attachment styles

• personality disorders

To change your style to be more secure, seek therapy as well as relationships with others who are capable of a secure attachment. If you have an anxious attachment style, you will feel more stable in a committed relationship with someone who has a secure attachment style. This helps you become more secure. Changing your attachment style and healing from codependency go hand-in-hand. Both require the following:

Heal your shame and raise your self-esteem. This enables you to not take things personally.
Learn to be assertive.
Learn to identify, honor, and assertively express your emotional needs.
Risk being authentic and direct. Don’t play games or try to manipulate your partner’s interest.
Practise acceptance of yourself and others to become less critical and judgemental.
Stop reacting. This can be a challenge because our nervous system is used to reacting automatically. It often entails being able to identify your triggers, unhook what causes them.
Learn to self-regulate.

Particularly after leaving an unhappy codependent relationship, both types fear that being dependent on someone will make them more dependent. That may be true in codependent relationships when there isn’t a secure attachment.

However, in a secure relationship, healthy dependency allows you to be more interdependent. You have a safe and secure base from which to explore the world. This is also what gives toddlers the courage to individuate, express their true self, and become more autonomous.