Growing up, I could always make friends easily. I was funny, popular, a fabulous raconteur, and the life and soul of every party.
At school, I had girl friends arguing over who was going to sit next to me in class. I was one of the ‘cool’ kids who all the boys wanted to date. But I couldn’t keep a close best friend.
I’d find someone who I connected with instantly, who made me laugh, made me feel secure, important, confident, and cling onto them with all my might, smothering them, until they were desperate to get away. Or they’d turn out to not be as loyal, not be there at my every hour of need (24/7!), have their own lives (the audacity!) and the completely enmeshed, codependent, toxic relationship would usually end in an almighty falling out, with me lashing out over the smallest thing, then sobbing for months at the rejection and abandonment that I had to endure YET AGAIN.
This pattern continued into adulthood. But now with alcohol thrown into the mix too. Even as a Mum of four, I’d connect with another Mum at the school gates, and we’d realise we had SO much in common; drinking; partying; similar, yet still hilarious sense of humour – and almost instantly we’d be inseparable.
Neither of us stepping back and putting boundaries in place, we’d usually be two emotionally immature, anxious, shame-based codependents, over-sharing personal details and secrets; one of us getting jealous if the other gained a new friend (yes, really!), both of us over time, becoming increasingly triggered by the other’s lack of consideration; rudeness at not reciprocating the latest dinner party invite/passive-aggressive putdowns in front of others.
I’d suppress everything I was feeling (as that is what we always did in my family), and put up with feeling rubbish, until usually alcohol-fuelled, I would blow, and lash out in typical over dramatic style, pointing out exactly where my latest ‘friend’ had let me down, what all her faults were, in some expletive diatribe there was no coming back from. I liken this to trying to keep a beach ball under water. Eventually it is going to come bursting back up!
As an anxious-attached codependent (although I didn’t know this back then!) the oh-so-familiar cycle of immense shame (I am a terrible person who does not deserve friends) and anxiety would begin. The self-flagellation, grovelling, over-apologising and begging – terrified I would be rejected and abandoned again. As my ex-husband Martin often said to me ‘For someone who cares so much what people think, you stick your neck out a lot’.
I repeated this pattern for literally decades.
In my 30s, I was pregnant with my 4th baby, and had severe symphysis pubis dysfunction, to the point I was wheelchair-bound. Martin worked from home, so could easily do the school run for me. But I struggled up there on crutches as I had overheard a comment about me being ‘lazy’ from one of the other Mums. I was terrified they’d all be talking about me, or start making other friends behind my back. If that’s not commitment to people-pleasing, I don’t know what is!
In my 40s, I was ‘dumped’ by my latest ‘best friend’ because I had responded to texts from one of her oldest male friends whom she considered ‘out of bounds’ as we were ‘hers’. I remember being in a club with her one night when he texted me and so she texted him saying ‘She’s mine tonight’.
And I actually felt important that they were arguing over me like I was a commodity. I was wanted and important!
We were a group of needy, wounded children, trying to navigate life in adult bodies. No wonder we weren’t doing so well!
There is a wonderful and oh-so-true quote by Matt Kahn;
“Despite how open, peaceful, and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves”
We all see the world through different eyes. In person-centered therapy, we call it our ‘Frame Of Reference’. An old friend (I’ve managed to keep a few!) calls it our own ‘Map Of The World’, but it is different to each and every one of us.
When I meet new people now, I am just authentic me. I am peaceful, kind and loving. If I don’t receive that same loving peaceful energy back, I understand it is simply because that person hasn’t met themselves at my level yet.
The way people respond to us is never a reflection of ourselves, but rather a reflection of the person responding.
Shame-based people seek out other shame-based people. As friends and as romantic partners. So in my case, I had intense rejection issues and abandonment trauma. Subconsciously, I would seek out emotionally unavailable people to re-enact and attempt to resolve my childhood trauma.
If we’re looking to other people to meet our needs, they will inevitably disappoint us. It is only when we start to look inwards that we can begin to heal ourselves.
So how is your attachment style affecting your friendships?
Secure Attachment Style healthily communicates their needs and feelings. They are reliable; their friends can depend on them to be supportive when things get tough. They also tend to have a good understanding of boundaries. Securely attached people can hold their boundaries and respect those of their friends. Overall, a person with a secure attachment style likely has healthy friendships based on trust, mutual respect, and emotional support.
Anxious Attachment Style often don’t believe in their own worth. As a result, they constantly fear being abandoned. They tend to ‘over-give’ in friendships, and feel disgruntled that they never receive as much back. They are needy, insecure, and can be jealous. They don’t have boundaries themselves, and so don’t understand how to respect others, resulting in becoming too close/enmeshed, too quickly. An anxious attachment style can create behaviours that put strain on friendships/relationships, making it challenging to build and keep healthy friendships.
People with an anxious attachment style frequently become very dependent on their friends for emotional stability and support. This need for constant attention can get overwhelming for their friends, causing these friends to withdraw. This confirms the anxious person’s fears that everyone will leave them.
Avoidant Attachment Style are extremely independent and uncomfortable with intimacy. They struggle with emotions, and feelings and so would often rather avoid friendships altogether. They are more comfortable on their own, and don’t enjoy huge social gatherings.
People who are avoidant may feel uncomfortable with the vulnerability and intimacy required in close friendships. They may also struggle with asking for or giving emotional support. As a result, they may have few long-lasting friendships because friends feel like the relationship is one-sided.
How To Heal:
Secure attachment styles don’t make people good friends, and insecure styles don’t make people bad friends. They are simply behaviour patterns learned in childhood to help us survive. If we recognise when these behaviours interfere with our ability to have healthy friendships, then we can recognise what needs to change.
Understanding the attachment style and its connected behaviours can help you make those changes. You will have an easier time communicating, and you will understand why behaviours happen the way they do. You can develop a better vocabulary to use during conflicts.
We start to do this by:
• Understanding the Impact of Your Past – see a professional therapist for help to examine your own childhood wounds and discover where you need healing
• Develop Connections That Encourage Strength & Resilience – with professional help if needed, try to spend some time alone to take a good objective look at who you are surrounded by, and if they are good for you
• Connect With Your Body – try yoga, somatic therapy, massage to start to connect with your body
• Inner Child Work. Learn how to reparent yourself, connect with and heal your inner child
Remember, if you put in the work, it will work,
Andrea, x