One of the biggest misconceptions I hear about codependency is that you have to be dependent on another person.

People hear the word and imagine someone who can’t leave a relationship, can’t cope without their partner, or relies on somebody else for everything.

But that isn’t really what codependency means.

You can be completely single and still be deeply stuck in codependent patterns.

I know, because I was.

There was a period in my life when I was single for a couple of years between toxic relationships. Looking back, I probably would have told you that I was independent.

I wasn’t with anyone. I wasn’t dependent on a partner. I was getting on with my life.

But I was still codependent.

Codependency is a pattern, not a relationship status

Codependency is better understood as a collection of learned behaviours and beliefs about yourself and your relationships with other people.

Things like:

• Struggling to say no
• Feeling responsible for other people’s feelings
• People-pleasing
• Needing approval or reassurance
• Feeling guilty when you put yourself first
• Having poor or inconsistent boundaries
• Overgiving and then feeling resentful
• Trying to rescue or fix people
• Ignoring your own needs
• Changing yourself depending on who you’re around
• Feeling uncomfortable when somebody is unhappy with you
• Looking outside yourself for validation
• Using alcohol, relationships, attention or other things to escape uncomfortable feelings

None of those require you to have a romantic partner.

When I was single, many of my codependent patterns simply moved somewhere else.

For me, that was friendships.

I had very few boundaries. I drank a lot. Other people’s opinions mattered enormously to me. I was still looking outside myself for the things I didn’t know how to give myself.

So although the relationship had gone, the patterns hadn’t.

And that distinction is really important.

Leaving the relationship doesn’t automatically heal the pattern

Sometimes we believe:

“Once I get out of this toxic relationship, I’ll be okay.”

And leaving may absolutely be necessary.

But if codependency is rooted in much deeper beliefs about love, worth, responsibility, rejection and abandonment, becoming single doesn’t automatically change those beliefs.

You can leave one relationship and still:

say yes when you desperately want to say no.

Drop everything when a friend needs you.

Feel responsible for keeping everybody happy.

Panic when somebody is annoyed with you.

Over-explain your boundaries.

Feel guilty for choosing yourself.

Need to feel needed.

Ignore your own feelings while becoming completely absorbed in somebody else’s.

Or numb yourself because being alone with your own emotions feels unbearable.

The person can change while the pattern stays exactly the same.

This is why we can repeat toxic relationships

This was something I eventually had to understand about myself.

Being single wasn’t enough.

Because unless I looked at my part of the pattern — not blame, but the things I had learned about myself, love and relationships — I was vulnerable to repeating it when somebody new came along.

The work wasn’t simply learning how to spot a toxic person.

It was learning how to stop abandoning myself.

Learning boundaries.

Learning that somebody being disappointed with me didn’t mean I’d done something wrong.

Learning that I wasn’t responsible for everybody else’s emotions.

Learning to tolerate somebody not liking my choices.

Learning that I could have needs too.

Learning to trust myself.

And learning how to build a life that didn’t depend on being needed, chosen or validated by somebody else.

“But I’m really independent…”

This is another reason codependency can be difficult to recognise.

Some incredibly independent people are codependent.

You might have your own home, earn your own money, raise children, run a business and deal with everything life throws at you.

You may be the person everyone else depends on.

And that can actually be part of the pattern.

Codependency isn’t necessarily “I can’t cope without you.”

Sometimes it looks much more like:

“I need to be the one who copes for everyone.”

Or:

“I need you to be okay so that I can be okay.”

Or:

“I don’t know who I am when I’m not looking after somebody else.”

That can happen with partners, parents, children, siblings, friends and even colleagues.

Recovery is about your relationship with yourself

For me, healing from codependency wasn’t simply about finding a healthier relationship.

It was about creating a healthier relationship with myself.

Because when you begin to know what you need, recognise what you feel, set boundaries, tolerate guilt, stop rescuing and trust your own judgement, something changes.

You stop asking:

“How do I make sure they don’t leave?”

and begin asking:

“Is this relationship actually good for me?”

You stop asking:

“How do I keep everybody happy?”

and start asking:

“What do I need here?”

That is why being single can actually be an incredibly valuable time to work on codependency.

You don’t have to wait until you’re in another relationship to discover whether you’ve healed.

Look at your friendships.

Your family.

Your boundaries.

How you respond to conflict.

How much you need approval.

What happens inside you when somebody is disappointed with you.

How comfortable you are saying no without giving a ten-minute explanation.

And perhaps most importantly, look at what happens when nobody needs you.

Because codependency isn’t about whether there’s somebody lying next to you at night.

It’s about whether you’ve learned how to stay connected to yourself when you’re connected to somebody else.

And that is something you can begin working on whether you’re married, dating, divorced, separated — or completely single.

Andrea x