Imagine this.
You are waiting outside the shopping centre for a friend or family member to pick you up, but they don’t arrive. Minutes turn into an hour, and you have no mobile phone.
How would you be feeling? Slightly anxious? Worried about your friend/relative? Wondering whether to leave and find another way home, or to stick it out a bit longer? Annoyed? Irritated?
Now imagine you are 6 years old, outside school, waiting for your Mum to pick you up but she doesn’t arrive. At 6 years of age, you don’t have the cognitive skills to rationalise what may have happened to her. To regulate your own emotions. Or to work out how to get home by yourself.
At 6 years of age, absolute sheer terror and panic will soon kick in. In a few minutes, you would be completely distraught and terrified. Because at that age, we are dependent on our main caregivers for survival.
So now imagine that when you Mum finally turns up, having been caught in traffic, you are hysterical, and unable to calm down. But instead of soothing you and comforting you, your mother scolds you for being so unreasonable. Shouts at you, possibly even smacks you. Because she is unable to regulate her own emotions, and is herself feeling extremely stressed from being stuck in traffic, and now doesn’t need this added pressure.
You may think this scenario is no big deal, or easily forgotten, but actually, it’s a prime example of how we our adult characters are forged. A child in this situation may well learn not to show fear or distress, because that will cause them to be in even more danger. Not to show vulnerability. And not more importantly, not taught how to regulate their own emotions, or to self-soothe.
This child could grow up into an extremely anxious adult, not allowed to ‘feel’ incorrectly. By denying or punishing these emotions, the parent is contributing to a higher likelihood of depression, mental health problems and illnesses for the child in later life.
This is an example of an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE).
Between 1995 to 1997, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), in conjunction with Kaiser Permanente, began the first study of ACEs. This study had been repeated many times, all with the same results.
17,000 people were asked ten questions about various traumatic experiences they experienced in childhood, including abuse, violence, neglect, and abandonment.
66% of responders revealed that they’d experienced at least one ACE; 20% had experienced three ACEs. The researchers noted connections between experiencing ACEs and detriments to one’s physical health years later, including heart disease and cancer.
The results of the ACE studies are astounding, and uncovered a stunning link between childhood trauma and the chronic diseases people develop as adults, as well as social and emotional problems. Including heart disease, lung cancer, diabetes and many autoimmune diseases, as well as depression, violence, being a victim of violence, and suicide.
For example, a person with an ACE score of 4 is 460% more likely to suffer from depression as an adult, than someone with an ACE score of 0.
With an ACE score of 4, the likelihood of chronic pulmonary lung disease increased 390%; hepatitis, 240%; attempted suicide, 1,220%.
A male child with an ACE score of 6 has a 4600% increase in the likelihood of later using intravenous drugs.
The ten ACE questions are as follows:
Prior to your 18th birthday:
1. Did a parent or other adult in the household more than once… Swear at you, insult you, put you down, belittle, or humiliate you? OR act in a way that made you afraid that you might be physically hurt?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __
2. Did a parent or other adult in the household more than once… Push, grab, slap, or throw something at you?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __
3. Did an adult or person at least 5 years older than you ever… Touch or fondle you or have you touch their body in a sexual way? OR attempt to or actually have oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse with you?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __
4. Did you often feel that … No one in your family loved you or thought you were important or special? OR that your family didn’t look out for each other, feel close to each other, or support each other?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __
5. Did you often feel that … You didn’t have enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes, and had no one to protect you? OR your parents were too drunk or high to take care of you or take you to the doctor if you needed it?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __
6. Were your parents ever separated or divorced?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __
7. Was your mother or stepmother:
Often or very often pushed, grabbed, slapped, or had something thrown at her? OR sometimes, often, or very often kicked, bitten, hit with a fist, or hit with something hard? or Ever repeatedly hit over at least a few minutes or threatened with a gun or knife?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __
8. Did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker or alcoholic, or who used street drugs?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __
9. Was a household member depressed or mentally ill, or did a household member attempt suicide? No___If Yes, enter 1 __
10. Did a household member go to prison?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __
In addition to the above, toxic stress can be passed down from generation to generation. The field of epigenetics shows that we are born with a set of genes that can be turned on and off, depending on what’s happening in our environment.
If a child grows up with an overload of toxic stress, their stress-response genes are likely to be activated so that they are easily triggered by stressful situations that don’t affect those who don’t grow up with toxic stress. They can pass that response onto their own children.
The good news is that you CAN HEAL. Identifying your childhood trauma is the first step. By understanding the generational trauma in your story, you can learn to reparent yourself. Journal, practise self-compassion, meditation, and help from a trauma therapist.
Remember there is no such thing as darkness. Darkness is just the absence of light…..