What is self-regulation, and why is it important?

Self-regulation is how we cope with certain emotional behaviours and physical movements during stressful situations. Self-regulation is the skill that helps individuals stay focused and attentive during times of stress.

Our ability to self-regulate as an adult has roots in our childhoods. Learning how to self-regulate is an important skill that children learn both for emotional maturity and, later, for social connections.

In an ideal situation, a secure caregiver (usually the mother) will have good self-regulating skills herself. Strong and potentially overwhelming feelings are kept to a minimum, and regulated by the responsive caregiver. This gives a clear message to the child that difficult feelings can be understood, contained and managed.  By sharing their emotions with the safe ‘other’, children learn that their feelings are tolerable.

When children do get agitated, aroused or emotionally upset, having been regulated by the caregiver, they gradually develop skills to regulate themselves.

Secure children are comfortable in relationships, more collaborative, friendly, self-confident, and assertive. They will develop high self-esteem, and resilience. They are less likely to be aggressive, and if the environment of close relationships remains warm, loving and stable, secure children will grow into secure adults.

But problems with self-regulation often develop. It could start early, such as an infant being neglected. A child who does not feel safe and secure, or who is unsure whether their needs will be met, may have trouble self-soothing and self-regulating. This can result from a parent developing depression, being forced out to work early, becoming physically ill, or dying. Or simply by not having the skills in place to be able to regulate their own emotions, causing the child to not feel safe and secure, never knowing what emotional rollercoaster they will be met with, from their caregiver.

Later, a child, teen, or adult may struggle with self-regulation, either because this ability was not developed during childhood, or because of a lack of strategies for managing difficult feelings. When left unchecked, over time this could lead to more serious issues such as mental health disorders and risky behaviours such as substance use.

Self-regulation is a struggle for many people; children and adults alike. Many individuals tend to act out impulsively when emotions are running high. Once the impulsivity wears off, though, many are left feeling embarrassed and mulling over how they should have responded instead. We have all witnessed grown adults ‘over-reacting’ to situations, in a child like manner.

Self-regulation is often confused with self-control. While they’re related and share many traits, though, self-control is more of a social skill, whereas self-regulation can be compared to a thermostat.

Ideally, a toddler who throws tantrums grows into a child who learns how to tolerate uncomfortable feelings without throwing a fit, and later into an adult who is able to control impulses to act based on uncomfortable feelings.

In essence, maturity reflects the ability to face emotional, social, and cognitive threats in the environment with patience and thoughtfulness.

Self-regulation involves taking a pause between a feeling and an action—taking the time to think things through, make a plan, wait patiently. Children often struggle with these behaviours, and adults may as well.

It’s easy to see how a lack of self-regulation will cause problems in life. A child who yells or hits other children out of frustration will not be popular among peers and may face discipline at school. An adult with poor self-regulation skills may lack self-confidence and self-esteem and have trouble handling stress and frustration. Often, this might result in rage, anger or anxiety. In more severe cases, it can even lead to being diagnosed with a mental health condition or personality disorder.

Adults who have never learnt to self-regulate their own emotions, often turn to destructive outside influences in an effort to soothe themselves. These include substance abuse, alcohol abuse, toxic friendships and relationships, self-harm, gambling, sex-addiction, compulsive behaviour, spending addiction, or over eating (comfort eating).

In general, people who are adept at self-regulating tend to be able to adopt a problem-solving stance in an attempt to regulate emotional upset, rather than get helplessly caught up with their negative feelings, like there insecure counterparts.  They are able to maintain open communication; remain flexible and adapting to situations; see the good in others rather than only picking out negative traits; stay clear about their intentions; take control of situations when necessary; view challenges as opportunities

In its most basic form, self-regulation allows us to be more resilient and bounce back from failure while also staying calm under pressure. Researchers have found that self-regulation skills are tied to a range of positive health outcomes. This includes better resilience to stress, increased happiness, and better overall well-being, physically and mentally.

Effective Strategies for Self-Regulation

Mindfulness
By engaging in skills such as focused breathing and gratitude, mindfulness enables us to put some space between ourselves and our reactions, leading to better focus and feelings of calmness and relaxation.

In a 2019 review of 27 research studies, mindfulness was shown to improve attention, which in turn helped with regulating negative emotions and improving executive function.

Recognise that in every situation you have three options: approach, avoidance, and attack.

While it may feel as though your choice of behaviour is out of your control, it’s not. Your feelings may sway you more toward one path, but you are more than those feelings.
Become aware of your emotions. Do you feel like running away from a difficult situation? Do you feel like lashing out in anger at someone who has hurt you?
Monitor your body to get clues about how you are feeling if it is not immediately obvious to you. For example, a rapidly increasing heart rate may be a sign that you are entering a state of rage, experiencing a panic attack, or entering a trauma response.

Therapy

Consider consulting a mental health professional. A trained therapist can help you learn and implement strategies and skills specific to your situation. Therapy can also be a great place to learn what your triggers are, and to practise coping  skills for use in your everyday life.

EFT

Emotional Freedom technique  stimulates the meridian points through  tapping that can reduce the stress or negative emotion you feel from your issue, ultimately restoring balance to your disrupted energy.

Grounding techniques 

Soothing music

Massage

Focussed breathing

Self-compassion

 

Andrea x