I used to be a people-pleaser. I didn’t trust my own judgement, so relied on others to tell me what to do. Ignoring red flags in people, trying to see the best in them. Which has got me into many dangerous situations, and stuck in a cycle of toxic friendships and abusive relationships.
I had no boundaries of my own, so overstepped others too. I couldn’t say no to people, so was always either doing things for others that I simply didn’t have the time or energy for, or double-booking, and letting people down.
I was always desperate for people to like me (and not notice the toxic shame I was carrying, unconsciously) and had a real ‘all or nothing’ cycle going on, with friend groups. I had no concept that everyone is just human, all with flaws, and all with likeable traits. Some more than others, of course. I threw myself into each new friendship like an excited child, having no room in my life for anything else. Until inevitably the cracks appeared, and the entire relationship dissolved, or exploded, in a dramatic fashion.
I had no way of controlling my own emotions or even understanding them, so would over-share, often to complete strangers. This trait inevitably either pushed people away, or attracted predators, and narcissists, who can sniff out a gullible fawning soul from the other side of the world!
The ‘please’ or ‘fawn’ response is an often overlooked survival mechanism to a traumatic situation, experience or circumstance. Nonetheless, the ‘please’ response is a prevalent one especially with complex trauma or CPTSD and is acted out as a result of the high-stress situations that have often been drawn out.
As any survival response; like flight, fight or freeze, a please or fawn response is to manage a state of danger or potential danger.
The please response is the most thoughtful and complex response to deal with as it encompasses monitoring and feeling into other people’s state of mind (often the aggressor) to anticipate a situation and respond by adapting and pleasing to evade confrontation or before a situation becomes aggravated.
The ‘please’ or ‘fawn’ response is an often overlooked survival mechanism to a traumatic situation, experience or circumstance. Nonetheless, the ‘please’ response is a prevalent one especially with complex trauma or CPTSD and is acted out as a result of the high-stress situations that have often been drawn out.
It is at the most exhausting of the trauma responses as it takes great energy and resource to play through potential future scenarios.
A please response is not the same as empathy, and people tend to confuse the two. Healthy empathy is to be able to “feel” into other people’s situation without losing your sense of self and the importance of your own needs.
A people-pleasing or fawn response is created during childhood. People-pleasers have given up a sense of self, a sense of healthy identity and have taken on responsibilities that aren’t theirs to carry. During childhood, it was needed to survive. But as an adult, you pay a hefty price for it.
If you have been subject to narcissistic abuse, you will likely have found that you have suffered shaming, been made to feel worthless, had to deal with control, subjugation, and a continuous invasion of your personal boundaries.
In turn, you had to adapt to survive, to a please-appease response to minimise or avoid further abuse.
If you are a people-pleaser, you can heal. Inner child work, journalling, learning how to set boundaries, therapy, mindfulness are a few ways to start looking inwards at your own needs, beliefs and values, and to start putting yourself first.
Andrea x