For most of my life, I would fly off the handle over the slightest thing, going from 0-200 in a matter of seconds. I was always told that I was ‘born arguing’ and when I look back, I can recall so many times losing my temper whenever I perceived that someone was ‘out to get me’ or took a small moment personally and blew it out of proportion.
Now I realise that my mind had become conditioned to react angrily to stressful situations, rather than responding calmly. Living in survival mode, the fight-or-flight trauma response kicked in very quickly and easily, and reacting became my default way to communicate. In fact, that’s how my family all communicated, so that’s all I knew. I was so very easily triggered.
But what does it really mean to be triggered, and why does this happen?
A trigger is a reminder of a past trauma, either consciously or unconsciously, which causes us to feel overwhelming fear, anger, sadness, anxiety, or panic. They happen for a reason. To keep us safe. Our conscious brain realises we are safe, but our unconscious is reminded of a past event when we weren’t (or didn’t feel) safe, and we react (rather than respond) in that moment.
If you are easily triggered, and lose yourself to afflicting emotions, it’s because, through repetitions, you have wired your brain to react to certain types of physical and psychological stimuli.
When you perform the most basic activities like walking, bathing, washing your face, brushing your teeth, etc., you don’t have to think.
Similarly, through repeated action, we learn to react to different triggers differently.
Habit also plays a strong role in triggering. People tend to do the same things in the same way. Following the same patterns saves the brain from having to make decisions.
For example, I used to smoke but only when I drank alcohol. Even now, if ever I do have a glass of wine, my brain expects me to follow the same routine and light a cigarette. Drinking triggers the urge to smoke, even though I haven’t smoked a cigarette or vape for years. So we can be triggered even if we don’t make a conscious connection between our behaviour and our surroundings.
A highly sensitive person may be greatly triggered by seeing acts of injustice, discrimination, hatred, or violence. An ego-led person may feel offended at the slightest of criticism. An insecure person may feel envy or hate for people around them. Fear and insecurities can drive people to self-sabotage and also create problems for others.
All of us have a shadow – the dark parts of our personality that reside deep within our unconscious mind.
The disturbing elements of our personal shadow manifest as uncomfortable feelings and sensations within our conscious mind. It’s difficult to form an association between the troubling emotion and these elements of the shadow.
In my case, my anger and anxiety related to my feeling of not being heard or understood, as a child. My feelings were invalidated. I had unhealed wounds caused by people undermining my self-worth. Once I started working on myself, my inner child, and healing, I built up my own self-worth, and got to know and then heal my triggers.
Dr Gabor Mate describes this as having the explosives inside you, waiting for other people to pull the trigger. If you have no explosives inside you, you can’t be triggered.
When I work with a client who has been triggered by a comment made by someone else (that they are stupid, for example), I ask them how they would feel if the same person had said they are 9ft tall, and 12 ft wide, and bright yellow? Invariably, they laugh and say that wouldn’t bother them. Why not? Because it’s not true. So somewhere deep down, you must believe you are stupid, or have a deep wound from being told you are stupid or feeling stupid in the past. Heal that wound, and you won’t be triggered.
When you’re angry or upset over a rude remark or behaviour, a majority of your reactive behavior is being directed by the unconscious mind.
How Can You Learn To Respond Calmly Rather Than React?
The very first thing is to uncover these hidden feelings, thoughts, and emotions. If you remain unaware of your inner-self, you’ll never know what’s happening. Many people don’t even realise that they are reacting. They are that un-aware. Self-awareness helps create kindness and compassion, not only for yourself but also for others. Even the unkind or unpleasant people towards you. Instead of reacting in anger, you remain calm, grounded, and respond with kindness, compassion and curiosity. You replace your reaction with a question – why did they feel the need to say that?
Mindfulness and meditation is a practice that creates a space of awareness about ourselves. It helps us to discover the root cause of our pain and suffering. Meditation can help us develop the tools to identify emotional triggers and change, but it takes a proactive mindset to put those tools into practice in the context of our daily life.
Practise the Bull’s Pause. Did you know that when we have a reaction to something in our environment, there’s a 90 second chemical process that happens in the body; after that, any remaining emotional response is us choosing to stay in that emotional loop. Something happens in the external world and chemicals are flushed through your body which puts it on full alert. For those chemicals to totally flush out of the body it takes less than 90 seconds. This means that for 90 seconds you can watch the process happening, you can feel it happening, and then you can watch it go away. After that, if you continue to feel fear, anger, and so on, you need to look at the thoughts that you’re thinking that are re-stimulating the circuitry that is resulting in you having this physiological response over and over again.” –My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist’s Personal Journey, Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor.
Relaxation techniques, such as breath-work, and yoga can help to calm the mind.
Seeing a therapist to help uncover your psychological pain and past traumas, understand your feelings, emotions and triggers, and help you heal.
Remember though, if someone is unkind or rude, it is always about them and not you!
Andrea, x