From the perspectives of psychologists like Jung and Freud, our choice of a life partner is significantly influenced by the formative experiences of our earliest years. As completely dependent children, our primary caregivers – and their inherent imperfections or strengths – left an indelible mark. Whether they were distant, overbearing, or even unkind, or consistently loving, patient, and supportive, their behaviors shaped our understanding of the world and of love itself. This “blueprint” of relationships, developed during our early years, profoundly impacts our later choice of partner.
The powerful romantic attraction/infatuation we can experience as adults can be interpreted as a subconscious attempt to repair relational trauma originating from our early attachment figures. Consciously, we seek the intense joy and idealised connection of early romantic love, characterised by mutual idealisation and passionate self-disclosure.
However, our subconscious mind harbours unacknowledged needs that clamour for recognition. Unbound by reason, it functions solely on emotion and desire. This powerful biological “computer” stores all memories, including those from infancy that predate conscious awareness. Therefore, inexplicable self-perceptions frequently arise from these early subconscious experiences.
The first stage
The first stage of ‘love’ is full of passion, euphoria and lust. It is during this first stage of love, that our inner child finally feels favoured, and loved – even if our childhood was marked by different circumstances. This phenomenon is largely a result of the surging levels of norepinephrine, dopamine, and phenylethylamine in our brains. These neurotransmitters create a whirlwind of physical sensations, from sweaty palms and fluttering stomachs to a racing heart. The exhilarating high of infatuation serves as a catalyst, allowing us to connect with someone who has the potential to mend our deepest emotional wounds. Our subconscious has found the partner who will replicate the kind of love we were shown as children, both good and bad. Neglectful, and abusive. At last we have found someone who will resolve our trauma and heal our wounds.
Gradually though, the initial excitement of love fades and things may start feeling routine or draining, you’ve likely entered the “fight” phase of a relationship. This stage isn’t necessarily a dead end. However, if your partner consistently belittles you, ignores your needs, withholds affection, or treats you poorly, it’s time to consider moving on. Often easier said than done!
Sometimes, these relationships only serve the purpose of mirroring past hurts, helping you recognise the need for healing. It is impossible to grow or move onto the second stage in abusive or toxic relationships. They won’t be the ones to facilitate that healing.
The second stage
The second stage of a loving relationship reveals the inherent complexities of emotional fulfillment. The initial euphoria fades, giving way to the unsettling realisation that your partner may not satisfy all your emotional needs. This often triggers a power struggle, characterised by:
• A partner feeling unloved, leading to emotional or physical distance.
• The other partner reacting impulsively to this perceived abandonment.
• Increased emotional volatility, with crying and/or anger.
• A shift towards blame and justification instead of understanding.
• A tendency to dwell on perceived flaws, neglecting positive attributes.
• A feeling of hopelessness and dissatisfaction replacing initial excitement.
• Heightened sensitivity, with partners easily triggered and reacting strongly.
A sense of disconnection, a lack of real emotional intimacy.
• Turbulent conflict, interspersed with reconciliations.
• Reliving past emotional wounds, leading to heightened anxiety and pain.
This turbulent phase, although difficult, is a necessary step. Many partnerships falter here, failing to recognise its significance. It’s a pivotal moment where you either choose to end the relationship or learn to grow through it.
The third stage
Eventually, our subconscious tires of the emotional struggles with someone else’s who wounds, both fighting to get our own needs met. We then have a choice to make. We can choose to surrender to the same patterns of pain and conflict that have been holding us back. Alternatively, we can opt to elevate our connection to a more conscious and mature level.
Conscious love isn’t about the fleeting highs of romantic chemistry or the constant push-and-pull of emotional games. It’s not about trying to force the other person to give us what we need to feel loved, only to feel abandoned or rejected when they inevitably fall short. Instead, conscious love is about growth, self-awareness, and mutual support.
As we grow and mature together, both partners begin to recognise how their own actions are shaping the dynamics of the relationship. They start to see that they have the power to create positive change, rather than being at the mercy of their own defence mechanisms. This newfound awareness inspires them to give their partner the love and support they need, rather than relying on manipulation, control, or withdrawal.
Together, we begin to shed the coping mechanisms we developed to survive our childhood wounds, and we open ourselves up to true intimacy on all levels: physical, emotional, sexual, and spiritual. The result is a sense of aliveness and fulfillment that’s more profound than the initial infatuation of new love.
As we continue to grow and evolve, our brains begin to rewire themselves, adapting to the new patterns of connection and compassion. This leads to increased immune function, reduced stress, and a greater sense of relaxation and well-being. We’re no longer stuck in a state of constant fight-or-flight, and we take full responsibility for our experiences, which empowers us to love more authentically and freely.