Emotional maturity is the ability to recognise, express, and control one’s own emotions while being able to empathise and respond to the emotions of others. It sounds simple, but many people can only see from their own ‘frame of reference’. They haven’t learnt to take a pause, and consider what is going on for others.
Emotionally immature parents do not have the ability to deal with their own emotions in a healthy way. They do not have effective coping mechanisms to regulate emotions, and haven’t learnt to self-soothe. So how could they possibly have taught you to? They may be great at making sure your basic needs are met.
They may have provided you with food, a home, and education, and they will take care of you when you’re sick. But these same parents weren’t good at giving you emotional support.
You may have found them often dismissing your feelings whenever you were worried or upset about something. They couldn’t understand how someone who is so well-provided for could still have any problems.
But how could they have? Emotionally immature parents can’t even handle their own inner lives, let alone be able to acknowledge yours.
As a result, you may have grown up without a coherent view of your own personality and emotional perspective. You’re also likely used to putting your own needs last.
If you were raised by parents who haven’t developed emotionally, you may have learnt to walk on eggshells. You may have become a people-pleaser, struggle with fear or conflict yourself, or struggle with empathy. You may find yourself attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable because you have never had a relationship with someone who was able to meet your own emotional needs. Or drawn to narcissists/abusive partners, as you are used to the rollercoaster of an emotionally unstable parent.
Did one/both of your parents;
Lash out with childlike behaviour? (Sulking/silent treatment/ storming out/throwing tantrums/blaming others and never taking accountability/over-react to situations)
Ignore/invalidate your feelings? (When you try to speak about your feelings, they are dismissed. Your parent either denies you could feel this way, tells you to get over it, or makes it about them and how they are affected). Eg. If you try to express a need for empathy or love, the response might be ‘How ungrateful. Can’t you see how much I spend on you?’ Or ‘It could be worse. There are people worse off than you’
Avoid any conflict/stress (easier to get along with but lacks boundaries and communication skills)
Force you into the caregiver role (you had to grow up early, to ‘parent’ your parents. Sometimes, especially if you are an eldest child, you show more emotional maturity than your parents)
What causes a parent to be emotionally immature?
History repeats itself. This is an example of generational trauma. Your parents were probably brought up by emotionally immature parents themselves. And unless you heal, you will go on to be an emotionally immature parent to your own children.
How to heal
• Remember your parents (and you) are only doing the best they can with what they know. They can only act from the level of maturity they have.
• Set strong boundaries. Prioritise yourself and your needs over other relationships. You make your own choices.
• Remember you are worthy of love. You may have grown up feeling that you were unlovable. That isn’t true. Your parents just didn’t know how to show love, as they weren’t taught themselves.
• A therapist can help you identify healthy relationship patterns, navigate the dynamics, and cultivate meaningful interactions with others. Furthermore, they can assist you in identifying destructive behavior patterns, learning productive communication skills, and establishing important boundaries in relationships.
• Connect with your own emotions. Meditation and Mindfulness help you connect with your emotions and deeper feelings.