On Friday afternoon, I was taking a shift for a mental health charity I regularly volunteer for. Many of the service users are children who are suffering abuse at the hands of adults, and Friday was no exception.
When I had finished the shift, I had a phone call from the PE teacher at the school my youngest daughter attends, to inform me that she had been given a detention, for her ‘behaviour’. I was told that Clementine had been with a group of girls who weren’t wearing the correct PE kit (although she was), and that the group had refused to participate in the class.
Upon being given the group detention, Clementine had answered back, ‘rudely’ and been reprimanded for her behaviour.
I responded by saying I hadn’t spoken to Clementine as yet, so can’t comment either way, but what I do know of her is that she is usually very good at taking responsibility and accountability for her actions, and that she typically only ever ‘answers back’ if she feels she has been treated unfairly or that something is unjust. And as far as I am concerned, that isn’t a behavioural issue. She is quite rightly standing up for herself.
The teacher seemed quite shocked that I wasn’t automatically taking her word over Clementine’s and I pointed out that I am teaching her that just because this person is an adult, doesn’t automatically make them ‘right’.
Are the adults who are abusing the service users ‘right’? Of course not. Adults get it wrong all the time.
Were you taught to always respect your elders? Or that children should be ‘seen and not heard’? ‘Do as you’re told? If ever you did dare question, receive the answer ‘Because I said so’?
You may not realise how much effect this has on you as an adult, but your inner child has been conditioned to always please others, and to live up to others expectations.
Being taught to be overly polite, in situations that did not warrant such manners, causes a lack of boundaries, low self-esteem, and invites toxic people to believe they can treat you however they like.
Characteristics of Good Girl Syndrome include fear of disappointing others; fear of speaking out; avoiding conflict; obeying rules or the opposite – rebellion for no reason.
Symptoms of Good Girl Syndrome include codependency; anxiety; depression; low self-esteem.
If you think you may be suffering from Good Girl Syndrome, here are some tips to change:
• Ask for what you want and deserve. This takes practice but gets easier the more you consciously work on it
• Say no. Take a pause before answering yes straight away, and think about do you really want to be doing this?
• Speak up. Set some boundaries, and say if someone is disrespecting you.
• Take some time alone to work on you. Your healing, your assertiveness. Assess who you really want in your life, and who isn’t quite so good for you.
• Mindfulness exercises to strengthen and calm your anxious mind.
• Therapy. Talking to a therapist who can help you learn to set boundaries, and work on your self-esteem.