Are certain people more likely to develop addictions in their lifetime, including to alcohol or drugs? Is there a definitive addictive personality or a set of characteristics that all addicts share?
Many people believe they have an addictive personality, but at its core, what they often struggle with is an inability to self-regulate. Self-soothing/regulating means being able to feel emotional experiences, and calming ourselves down when distressed. Without this skill, we tend to rely on external sources—like alcohol, substances, shopping, gambling, work, excessive scrolling, or other distractions—to cope with overwhelming emotions. Often without even realising.
The foundation for self-soothing is laid in early childhood. For infants and young children, self-soothing isn’t developmentally possible; they rely on co-regulation. This happens when a caregiver notices their distress and offers consistent, calming support. Through this repeated experience, children learn: “When I’m upset, I can breathe, feel my emotions, and trust that they’ll pass.” This process builds resilience and equips them to handle future stress.
However, without secure, harmonious caregivers who provide this support, children may become overwhelmed by their emotions. Our attachment systems are designed for others to help us regulate, so when that help isn’t there, we internalise beliefs like, “I must handle this alone. No one can help me. This is too much.” In response, children develop coping mechanisms such as chronic daydreaming, using food to numb emotions, or acting out in an attempt to seek connection.
As these children grow into adults, they may develop what is often labelled as an “addictive personality,” seeking external solutions to internal struggles. Even when these behaviours cause pain, loss, or misery, they continue as a way to escape emotional overwhelm.
The good news is that self-soothing can be learned at any stage of life. By gradually expanding our nervous system’s capacity to handle stress, we can begin to respond to emotions thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively. This process allows us to reclaim control and find healthier ways to navigate life’s challenges.
Andrea x