Abandonment trauma can stem from being left alone or neglected as a child either physically or emotionally. It can relate to the death of a parent, having your parents divorce, the loss of a partner or close friend, or finding out a partner has been unfaithful.
Whether you experienced painful abandonment during your childhood or later on in life, it can still seriously impact your future romantic relationships.
As children, we are entirely dependent on our caregivers for survival. We rely on them for food, shelter, protection, emotional support, and guidance. Without them, we could literally die (if you have experienced abandonment trauma, the fear of abandonment can feel like we are literally dying in future romantic relationships). So for evolutionary reasons, it is actually vital that we remain terrified of being completely abandoned. As a species, we need people to help care for us. We need to belong to a tribe.
So we all fear abandonment on some level. But due to the profound pain and distress associated with actually knowing what it feels like to be rejected and abandoned by the people you need the most, the fear of being abandoned is overly heightened and intense for childhood trauma survivors.
And unless you put in the work to heal this trauma, these past traumatic experiences remain unprocessed and your body might be quick to trigger a trauma response the moment it starts to think that abandonment or rejection is coming.
On the surface, your abandonment issues can look like people-pleasing, trust issues, relationship insecurities, inability to connect emotionally, jealousy, etc. But at a deeper level, your body is actually moving into fight, flight, fawn or freeze as a way to keep you safe. For example, you might feel like you are “quick to cut someone off” when in actuality you are describing the flight trauma response.
Your trauma responses can create a real push-pull feeling within you. On the one hand, you are neurobiologically hard-wired to need someone (we all are!). But on the other hand, your body might cause you to run away or sabotage the relationship the moment the other person demonstrates any behaviours that resemble past abandonment.
This exact push-pull dynamic is why you can crave relationships but still fear them at the same time.
Trauma responses can be one of a few;
If your typical response to an abandonment trigger is the fight response, then you likely try to control your partner when fearing abandonment. For example, controlling who they talk to, trying to put rules around where they can go, or even trying to control their emotions and how they speak. Extensive pursuing, blaming and criticising, like begging them to talk to you when they need an emotional break, to ease your own fear/anxiety. The belief here is ‘If I just control everything, then I can stay safe and prevent myself from being abandoned’. These behaviours are incredibly painful to both parties, and in some cases can be forms of abuse. Yet, you can still see here that all of this is about protecting yourself from being abandoned.
If your trauma response to feeling abandoned is flight, this can look like leaving the relationship first, before your partner would be able to leave. If you start to sense that your partner is abandoning you, you may start to become hyper-independent, teaching your brain and your body that you don’t need them and that if they left, you would be fine without them. This is a form of protection that is rooted in never needing anyone in the first place since the fear of being abandoned feels almost certain that it is going to happen.
If ‘freeze if your go-to response, you may literally freeze when you notice that fear of abandonment coming up. Your brain and your body shut down. You have an overwhelming amount of information coming at you, but you can’t process it. From the outside, your partner may be confused as to why you completely shut down or pull away, and not know how to get through to you. But on the inside you literally feel trapped and numb – like you can’t say anything.
If you are afraid someone is going to abandon you, and your trauma response is to fawn, or people-please, you can find yourself ‘twisting into a pretzel’ to make them stay. You will avoid conflict at all costs and become completely submissive, so they don’t leave you. You ignore all of your own needs so that your partner is happy and never even imagines leaving you. This trauma response is very common for people pleasers, and it’s about proving that you are loveable and useful to someone so that they don’t feel inclined to leave.
Healing an abandonment wound
The wound of abandonment is a profound emotional trauma that can significantly impact our mental health and relationships. However, with understanding, professional help, and self-care, it is possible to heal this wound and foster healthier relationships. A journey of healing from the wound of abandonment is essentially a journey of self-discovery, self-compassion, and emotional growth.
• Professional help, such as therapy, can be instrumental in healing the abandonment wound. Therapists can guide individuals through their past traumas, help them understand and process their emotions, and provide them with tools to build healthier relationships.
• Practising self-care and self-compassion is an essential step in healing. Recognising and validating one’s feelings, practising self-love, and nurturing one’s well-being can help build self-esteem and reduce feelings of abandonment.
• Care for your inner child. Validate his/her feelings and reassure them they are now safe. Look into reparenting your inner child
Andrea, x