The Link Between Toxic Shame and Trauma

We all have trauma. Trauma doesn’t have to involve a huge event, but can arise from subtle neglect, or not receiving enough love or attention during childhood.

As children, if we sense something is wrong, or we don’t receive the love we need, we don’t ever look at our caregivers and assess that there may be something wrong with them.  We internalise the feelings and thoughts. So ‘there must be something wrong with me’, ‘I am unloveable’, ‘I am unworthy of love’. And these core beliefs, if not healed, will stay with us into adulthood, and develop into toxic shame.

Toxic Shame is our tendency to blame ourselves and feel that we’re unworthy, defective, bad or wrong, and unacceptable. It is a negative self-evaluation that often stems from childhood.  As a result of consistent negative messages received from parents, caregivers, or other adults, often unintentionally, we can build core beliefs that our worth is dependent on external variables, or other people.

The person putting their shame on a child is likely not doing this in a consciously bad way – but it is something they have discovered to ease their own feelings of shame. This leads to it frequently being handed down through the generations.

If our primary caregivers are shame-based, they will act shameless and pass their toxic shame onto us. There is no way to teach self-value if one does not value oneself. Toxic shame is multigenerational.

Toxic shame makes us question our worth and identity, and can increase the likelihood of developing depression, anxiety and other mental health issues.

Toxic shame has us despising ourselves and to survive these feelings we may subconsciously take on all sorts of behaviours to try to avoid the shame and cover it up.

When we have unresolved toxic shame – when we have not as yet ascended to knowing who we really are – then we draw the situations, people and self-sabotages to us which manufacture even more toxic shame. This becomes a vicious cycle of failure, exposing our weaknesses and our self- hatred. It keeps the powerful inner programmes of toxic shame going.

Some Effects Of Toxic Shame

It is likely you’re going to be emotionally unavailable to others because you will have a deep fear of intimacy, being visible, vulnerable and authentic.

With toxic shame, we don’t have the ability to show our true self, or draw other authentic people to us. To do that, we have to be able to meet, hold and heal every part of ourselves, including our shadows. The darkest of which is our toxic shame.

Toxic shame can be attached to perfectionism.

With perfectionism, if there’s any possibility of failure at all, you simply can’t risk being seen. You don’t shine and you can’t accept any possible setback or learning curve.

Or maybe you hide or get so focused onto doing one single task perfectly, that you get bogged down, sidelined and forgo every other new expansion in your life. All because you can’t live up to some impossible standard that can never be reached.

Toxic shame is also the reason you may take the blame, forfeit your rights, over-apologise and forgive others far too easily. It’s not possible to take a stand for your values when you feel wrong, bad, and responsible for everything and everyone. Sadly, the outcome of this is that you are never noticed, respected, honoured, supported, or truly loved by others.

If you are carrying toxic shame, you will suffer from low self-esteem, and self-worth. This makes you vulnerable to enter abusive relationships and friendships, attracting toxic people, not believing you deserve more. It will make you more susceptible to insomnia, chronic pain, eating disorders, codependency, substance abuse, alcoholism, addictions.

Healing Toxic Shame

So how can we heal?

The first step is to acknowledge it, and and to take time to feel and recognise our own feelings. In a non-judgemental way. Acceptance.

Journalling and mindfulness can help you to reflect on triggers, people, situations and events that have brought up the shame.

Seeing a therapist will help you to develop coping strategies to deal with your shame, and past trauma, and to help you build on your self-esteem and self-worth.

 

Andrea x