The Bull’s Pause (Querencia)

We have a saying in our house, on a regular basis. Whenever I or one of my daughters feels stressed at something outside of our control, and about to react, one of us will ask ‘Where’s the bull’s pause?’

A few deep breaths later, and using one of our grounding techniques, we are ready to ‘respond’ instead of reacting. My youngest rang me the other day to ask for me to collect her early, ‘All my friends are arguing and nobody’s taking a bull’s pause, and it’s stressing me out’ she complained;-)

Our minds have become conditioned through our childhood experiences, to react angrily to stressful situations rather than responding calmly. The fight-or-flight mode kicks in, and reacting becomes the default way to communicate. This is our brain’s way of keeping us ‘safe’ as children, but is no longer serving us well as adults. Reacting in this way never leads to any effective communication or resolve, and usually ends up a ‘battle of wills’ with nobody ‘winning’.

“A querencia is a place the bull naturally wants to go to in the ring, a preferred locality… It is a place which develops in the course of the fight where the bull makes his home. It does not usually show at once, but develops in his brain as the fight goes on. In this place he feels that he has his back against the wall and in his querencia he is inestimably more dangerous and almost impossible to kill.” — Ernest Hemingway, Death in the Afternoon

In bullfighting there is an interesting parallel to the pause as a refuge and renewal. It is believed that in the midst of a fight, a bull can find his own area of safety in the arena. There he can reclaim his strength and power. This place and inner state are called his querencia. As long as the bull remains enraged and reactive, the matador is in charge. Yet when he finds querencia, he gathers his strength and loses his fear. From the matador’s perspective, at this point the bull is truly dangerous, for he has tapped into his power.

The bull in his querencia is dangerous, but the bull trying to reach his querencia is infinitely more dangerous than the bull trying to attack the matador.

Each time we feel provoked and charge madly against the ‘enemy’, we become more off-balance, further ensnared in our shadow. As we learn to find querencia by pausing, we can respond to difficult situations in more balanced and effective ways (Tara Brach)

But how do we train our minds to respond rather than react?

• Grounding techniques

• Meditation

• Mindfulness (being present)

• Working through your issues with a therapist/practitioner

Remember, it took years to build up your reactions. Change doesn’t happen overnight. But with patience, and determination, we can all change and do better.