If our emotional and physical needs are met as children, we grow up believing that we have a right to be here and that we are capable, lovable and able to take care of ourselves.<\/p>\n
But often, getting these needs met depends on how well the needs of the family have been met. \u00a0For example, if a main caregiver is an addict, abusive or neglectful, the firstborn child may automatically feel the pressure to be the ultra responsible and respectable in order to fill the void or make up for the parents’ lack.\u00a0 Simply by being the eldest child, he\/she becomes the family hero, whose job it is to do whatever it takes to ensure that the family is seen as whole and functional.\u00a0 The child\u2019s needs are not considered.\u00a0 They have taken a back seat to the demands of the family unit.<\/p>\n
Instead of feeling loved and accepted for who they are, children turn instead to their assigned role (based on what the system needs at the time of their birth) to gain a sense of identity, belonging and validity. By the time children are three, four or five years old, their identity, based on their assigned family role is firmly in place.\u00a0 Of course, none of this is conscious. Children have no idea that they are not the role they are playing \u2013nor does the family.\u00a0 They have become absolutely entangled and identified with an often maladaptive, even destructive way of relating to the world around them.<\/p>\n
The main roles of the children were identified by Weischeider (1981) with respect to alcoholic<\/em> families.\u00a0 Since then, the use of these terms has been widened to include other types of dysfunctional family systems including: emotionally or psychologically disturbed (e.g., Narcissistic Personality Disordered or NPD); sexually or physically abusive; and, religious fundamentalist or rigidly dogmatic (Kizziar as cited in Boyd, 1992).<\/p>\n What are the classic \u201cAssigned Roles\u201d?<\/p>\n The Hero\/The Golden Child<\/strong><\/p>\n Usually, but by no means always, the hero is the eldest child, who devotes his\/her time and attention to making the family look \u201cnormal\u201d and without problems. The Hero<\/em> can mask or make up for the dysfunctional home life. Over-responsible and self-sufficient they are often perfectionistic, are over-achievers and look very good – on the outside.\u00a0 The parents look to this child to prove that they are good parents and good people. Their goal in life is to achieve “success”, however that has been defined by the family;\u00a0 they must always be “brave and strong\u201d. The Scapegoat<\/strong><\/p>\n The scapegoat is blamed for all the issues and dysfunction in the family. In a dysfunctional family, the addicted\/narcissistic\/neglectful parent projects their own self-hatred, frustrations, anger, and disappointment on them. The scapegoat\u00a0often suffers more overt types of emotional, and sometimes physical, abuse. This includes being\u00a0belittled, shamed, or ridiculed;\u00a0ignored or dismissed; blamed for everything wrong or problematic in the family and any accomplishments ignored or dismissed. \u00a0the scapegoat child will usually suffer from CPTSD, anxiety, depression and low self-worth.<\/p>\n The Lost Child<\/strong><\/p>\n The Lost Child<\/em> is usually known as \u201cthe quiet one\u201d or \u201cthe dreamer\u201d. The Lost Child<\/em> is the invisible child.\u00a0 They try to escape the family situation by making themselves very small and quiet. (S)He stays out of the way of problems and spends a lot of time alone.<\/p>\n Lost children spend an excessive amount of time hiding in plain sight. They expend all their energies trying not to get noticed by anyone, including teachers, other children, and their caregivers.<\/p>\n This behavior is usually the result of neglect and abuse, where the child felt trapped and unable to escape. Their only line of defence was to remain quiet and still knowing that eventually, the traumatic event will pass.<\/p>\n Lost children are mostly made up of third-born children but can be any child from oldest to youngest.<\/p>\n Lost children, in early childhood, develop a belief that they are powerful enough to blame themselves for the woes of their families. They feel they want too much and that they do not have a place in the world. They learn early to be quiet, unassuming, so they are out of the way.<\/p>\n The lost child spends a great deal of time daydreaming, fantasising, and creating worlds in her mind where she is happier than with her true family. They love to do solitary activities like watching TV, playing video games, and reading.<\/p>\n Lost children are invisible, lonely, and afraid.<\/p>\n The Lost Child<\/em> often has poor communication skills, difficulties with intimacy and in forming relationships. They deny that they have any feelings and “don’t bother getting upset.” They deal with reality by withdrawing from it.<\/p>\n In a family, where one parent is a narcissist, The Lost Child<\/em> just doesn’t seem to matter to them, and avoids conflict by keeping a low profile. They are not perceived as a threat or a good source of supply, but they are usually victim of neglect and emotional abuse.<\/p>\n The Mascot<\/strong><\/p>\n Fourth born children are typically designated as the \u201cmascot\u201d. The primary assigned duty here is one of distraction. Mascots often become the family entertainer or clown, using humor or clumsy antics as a way to break tension when things get out of hand at home. Often, when they are the \u201cbaby\u201d of the family, they are treated as if they are too little or too dumb to understand what\u2019s going on in the family<\/p>\n The goal of The Family Mascot<\/em> is to break the tension and lighten the mood with humor or antics. (S)He is usually \u201cthe cute one.\u201d This child feels powerless in the dynamics which are going on in the family and tries to interrupt tension, anger, conflict, violence or other unpleasant situations within the family by being the court jester. The Mascot<\/em> seeks to be the center of attention in the family, often entertaining the family and making everyone feel better through his or her comedy. They may also use humour to communicate and to confront the family dysfunction, rather than address it directly. The mascot will usually end up suffering from codependency, anxiety, and people-pleasing, lacking boundaries.<\/p>\n Do you recognise yourself in any of the above roles? One great way to understand the influence of birth order on one’s personality is to discuss it with a therapist as they may be able to help you identify parts of your identity and how they developed. And more importantly, how to heal.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" If our emotional and physical needs are met as children, we grow up believing that we have a right to be here and that we are capable, lovable and able to take care of ourselves. But often, getting these needs met depends on how well the needs of the family have been met. \u00a0For example, … <\/p>\n
\nWhile The Hero<\/em> saves the family by being perfect and making it look good, the golden child may struggle to live up to his status, often suffering with anxiety.<\/p>\n