It can be one of the hardest things to understand.<\/p>\n
You watch someone choose a partner over their children. You see a friend stay with someone who lies, cheats or betrays them, while pushing away the very people trying to help. From the outside, the choices can seem impossible to comprehend.<\/p>\n
People often ask, “Why would anyone stay?”<\/em> or “Why would they choose them over everyone else?”<\/em><\/p>\n But those questions are usually looking at the behaviour without understanding the nervous system and the subconscious patterns driving it.<\/p>\n As a therapist, I’ve learned that if we only judge the behaviour, we miss the story underneath it.<\/p>\n Many of us grow up believing that love has to be earned. We learn that our needs are too much, that conflict means abandonment<\/a>, or that we must sacrifice ourselves to keep relationships alive. These beliefs don’t disappear when we become adults. They become the invisible blueprint we carry into every relationship.<\/p>\n Our attachment style<\/a> isn’t just about how we relate to other people. It shapes what feels familiar, what feels safe, and even what our brain mistakes for love.<\/p>\n For someone with deep abandonment wounds, leaving a harmful relationship may not simply feel sad\u2014it can feel life-threatening. The fear isn’t just of losing a partner; it’s of confirming the painful belief that they are unlovable, alone or not enough.<\/p>\n This is why logic so often loses against emotion.<\/p>\n I’ve seen people devastated about being separated from their children, yet repeatedly return to an abusive partner. Not because they don’t love their children, but because trauma<\/a>, fear, coercive control and powerful attachment patterns keep pulling them back into the relationship.<\/p>\n I’ve also seen friendships fall apart because someone chose a partner who repeatedly lied, manipulated or disrespected them. Their friends couldn’t understand it. They had shown them evidence. They had warned them. Yet they still stayed.<\/p>\n From the outside, it can look like they’re choosing the wrong person.<\/p>\n From the inside, they’re often choosing what their subconscious has learned is familiar.<\/p>\n The subconscious isn’t asking, “Is this healthy?”<\/em><\/p>\n It’s asking, “Does this feel like home?”<\/em><\/p>\n And if home was unpredictable, emotionally unavailable, critical or unsafe, healthy relationships can actually feel uncomfortable at first.<\/p>\n This doesn’t excuse harmful choices.<\/p>\n People are still responsible for the impact their behaviour has on others. Children deserve protection. Friends deserve honesty and respect. Abuse is never acceptable.<\/p>\n But understanding why someone behaves the way they do allows us to respond with compassion rather than only condemnation.<\/p>\n I often think about the phrase, “Separate the sin from the sinner.”<\/em><\/p>\n