Looking back now, I can see that for many years, I wasn\u2019t really living as an emotionally grounded adult.<\/p>\n
I looked like an adult. I worked, parented, functioned, and carried responsibilities. But emotionally? A large part of me was still stuck in child mode \u2014 reactive, approval-seeking, emotionally dependent, and desperate to feel safe, loved, included, and chosen.<\/p>\n
And because of that, I unknowingly attracted people operating from the same emotional level.<\/p>\n
Not just romantically, but in friendships too.<\/p>\n
For a long time, I thought emotional immaturity only showed up in romantic relationships. I could recognise unhealthy attachment, drama, insecurity, or emotional chaos in dating dynamics. But healing forced me to look at my friendships honestly as well.<\/p>\n
And that was uncomfortable.<\/p>\n
Because when I look back now, I can see that many of us were emotionally immature in different ways. We were adults externally, but emotionally still operating from unresolved teenage wounds.<\/p>\n
A lot of our friendships revolved around drinking, drama, validation, emotional dependency, gossip, games, and social politics. At the time, it felt normal. It felt fun. It even felt like connection.<\/p>\n
But underneath much of it was insecurity, fear of rejection, jealousy, control, abandonment wounds<\/a>, and emotional immaturity.<\/p>\n We were grown adults with families, responsibilities, and children of our own, but many of us were still relating to each other like wounded teenagers.<\/p>\n I can see that clearly now.<\/p>\n One friend became controlling about who I spent time with and would sulk if she didn\u2019t get her own way.<\/p>\n Another seemed jealous whenever I saw other friends, as though friendship was something possessive rather than supportive.<\/p>\n Another kept all her friendship groups separate from one another. People weren\u2019t mixed together or included. At the time, I didn\u2019t fully understand it, but now I can see how much fear, insecurity, and control sat underneath that behaviour.<\/p>\n Back then, I personalised a lot of it. I thought their reactions meant I had done something wrong. I spent years overthinking, people-pleasing<\/a>, trying to keep everyone happy, trying to avoid upsetting people.<\/p>\n But healing taught me something important.<\/p>\n Those behaviours came from THEIR wounds.<\/p>\n And equally importantly \u2014 I was emotionally immature too.<\/p>\n Because emotionally healthy people usually don\u2019t stay comfortable for long in dynamics built around jealousy, control, dependency, emotional games, exclusion, or constant drama.<\/p>\n That was one of the hardest truths for me to face.<\/p>\n It would have been easier to say, \u201cI just attracted toxic people.\u201d<\/p>\n But the deeper truth is that emotional immaturity often recognises itself.<\/p>\n We unconsciously gravitate towards people operating at a similar emotional level because it feels familiar.<\/p>\n If we are still seeking validation externally<\/a>, uncomfortable with boundaries, emotionally reactive, fearful of abandonment, or dependent on intensity for connection, we often feel drawn toward people carrying similar wounds.<\/p>\n Not because we are bad people.<\/p>\n But because emotionally, it feels like home.<\/p>\n The psychology behind this makes a lot of sense when you begin to understand trauma<\/a>, attachment<\/a>, and emotional development.<\/p>\n When emotional needs are not safely met in childhood, parts of us can become emotionally frozen at the age those wounds occurred. We grow physically, but emotionally we may still carry the fears, coping mechanisms, and unmet needs of a younger version of ourselves.<\/p>\n That can show up in adult friendships as:<\/p>\n Underneath all of those behaviours is usually fear.<\/p>\n Fear of rejection. And when a whole friendship group is operating from those wounds unconsciously, drama becomes normalised.<\/p>\n The emotional highs and lows can even start to feel exciting. Chaos can feel like closeness. Intensity can feel like connection.<\/p>\n But it isn\u2019t true intimacy.<\/p>\n It\u2019s often just wounded people trying to feel safe with each other in unhealthy ways.<\/p>\n One of the strangest parts of healing was realising that I no longer enjoyed the same kinds of friendships.<\/p>\n The chaos stopped feeling exciting. And gradually, I began attracting \u2014 and being attracted to \u2014 emotionally grounded people.<\/p>\n Friendships where conversations could be honest, calm, emotionally mature, and safe.<\/p>\n Friendships where people could communicate directly instead of sulking, controlling, competing, excluding, or testing one another.<\/p>\n Friendships where somebody else having other connections didn\u2019t feel threatening.<\/p>\n Friendships where people could celebrate each other instead of quietly competing.<\/p>\n The fun didn\u2019t disappear.<\/p>\n It just became deeper.<\/p>\n More peaceful. Less performing. And I think that\u2019s one of the biggest signs of healing.<\/p>\n Not just that you stop attracting emotionally immature dynamics \u2014 but that you stop being attracted to them.<\/p>\n You stop confusing chaos with connection.<\/p>\n You stop mistaking intensity for intimacy.<\/p>\n You stop feeling at home in emotional instability.<\/p>\n\n
\nFear of abandonment.
\nFear of not being enough.<\/p>\n
\nThe drama stopped feeling connecting.
\nThe emotional games started to feel exhausting instead of meaningful.<\/p>\n
\nMore authentic.
\nMore emotionally safe.<\/p>\n
\nLess surviving.
\nMore simply being.<\/p>\n