And that version of me is real.<\/p>\n
But it isn\u2019t where I started.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m aware that when you\u2019re struggling \u2014 with addiction<\/a>, codependency<\/a>, the aftermath of abuse, or a deep sense of being lost \u2014 it can feel as though other people somehow skipped the chaos. As if they arrived at steadiness naturally, while you\u2019re still fighting yourself just to get through the day.<\/p>\n That wasn\u2019t my experience.<\/p>\n I\u2019m not sharing this to shock or impress. I\u2019m sharing it because I know how isolating it is to believe you\u2019re the only one who hasn\u2019t \u201cgot it together,\u201d and how hard it can be to trust support when you feel unseen or misunderstood. Or when you have been let down by the people you trusted the most.<\/p>\n The steadiness you see now was built \u2014 slowly, imperfectly, and with a lot of support. It came after years of coping in ways that made sense at the time, even when they were hurting me.<\/p>\n This isn\u2019t a before-and-after story. For a long time, I didn\u2019t think there was anything seriously wrong.<\/p>\n I wasn\u2019t waking up intending to self-destruct. I was constantly explaining things away \u2014 mostly to myself. If I drank most nights, it was stress. If I took cocaine at weekends, it was just being social. Nothing I did felt like a \u201creal\u201d problem because I could always find a reason for it.<\/p>\n I even had rules that reassured me. I\u2019d stop drinking on Tuesdays and Wednesdays to reassure myself I didn’t have a problem. But really, I was just waiting for Thursday. Those days off weren\u2019t about care or choice \u2014 they were about control, and about keeping the bigger picture out of sight.<\/p>\n The same lack of awareness ran through my relationships.<\/p>\n I thought codependency was something that only showed up romantically, so I didn\u2019t see it in my friendships at all. Every new friend felt like a lifeline. I\u2019d attach quickly, people-please<\/a> relentlessly, and mould myself around whoever was in front of me. Being liked felt essential. Being left felt unbearable.<\/p>\n In romantic relationships, my world would shrink down to one person. Their needs, moods, and approval mattered more than my own. I didn\u2019t have boundaries because I didn\u2019t really know where I ended and someone else began.<\/p>\n And when those relationships collapsed, everything collapsed with them.<\/p>\n Then came the moment I couldn\u2019t avoid anymore: after years of toxic friendships and abusive relationships, I had had enough. When I was alone, I didn\u2019t know who I was. Without someone to attach to, there was no steady sense of self underneath \u2014 just fear, shame<\/a>, and a feeling of being completely unanchored in my own life.<\/p>\n None of this became clear all at once.<\/p>\n There wasn\u2019t a single moment of insight where everything suddenly made sense. What came instead was a long, uneven process of noticing, understanding, and then noticing again \u2014 often in deeper and more uncomfortable ways.<\/p>\n At first, I could only see the obvious things: the drinking, the drugs, the chaos in relationships. It took much longer to understand why<\/em> they were there, and even longer to stop judging myself for them. Each layer I uncovered seemed to reveal another one underneath.<\/p>\n Healing hasn\u2019t been linear for me. It\u2019s been more like peeling an onion \u2014 removing layers slowly, sometimes feeling relief, sometimes grief, and sometimes realising I wasn\u2019t finished with a layer I thought I\u2019d already worked through.<\/p>\n Understanding my codependency didn\u2019t immediately stop me people-pleasing. Recognising my inner child<\/a> didn\u2019t suddenly make me feel safe. Awareness came first; change followed much more slowly.<\/p>\n Even now, I know there are still layers. Not in a way that feels hopeless \u2014 but in a way that feels honest.<\/p>\n What shifted over time wasn\u2019t that I became \u201cfixed,\u201d but that I became more compassionate. I stopped seeing my patterns as proof of failure and started seeing them as information \u2014 parts of me that had been trying, clumsily but earnestly, to keep me connected and protected.<\/p>\n That understanding didn\u2019t erase the past. But it changed my relationship to it \u2014 and, slowly, my relationship to myself.<\/p>\n Therapy didn\u2019t give me a new personality, and it didn\u2019t hand me a neat explanation that suddenly made life easy. What it gave me, slowly and over time, was understanding \u2014 and then choice.<\/p>\n Through therapy, I began to see patterns rather than just problems. I started to understand how much of my behaviour was driven by parts of me that had learned very early on how to survive \u2014 by attaching, pleasing, numbing, or disappearing. What I\u2019d once judged as weakness began to make sense as protection. I realised that patterns that had kept me safe in childhood, not only no longer served me in adulthood, but could actually harm me.<\/p>\n One of the most important shifts was learning about my inner child \u2014 not as a concept, but as lived experience. I began to recognise when younger parts of me were running the show: the part that panicked at being alone, the part that felt responsible for other people\u2019s feelings, the part that believed love had to be earned.<\/p>\n Therapy helped me slow those moments down, notice them, and respond differently rather than automatically acting them out.<\/p>\n Boundaries were another huge piece. Not just learning how to say no, but understanding why it had felt so impossible in the first place. I learned that boundaries weren\u2019t about pushing people away \u2014 they were about protecting a self I was only just beginning to know.<\/p>\n Over time, therapy helped me step out of victim mode, not by blaming me for what had happened, but by helping me reconnect with my own agency. I began to feel more anchored inside myself. Less reactive. Less driven by fear. More able to tolerate discomfort without immediately trying to escape it.<\/p>\n None of this happened quickly. And none of it happened alone.<\/p>\n What changed didn\u2019t look dramatic from the outside. It looked like a series of quieter, often uncomfortable choices made over time.<\/p>\n I began to notice how people and environments made me feel. Instead of worrying whether someone liked me, I started paying attention to whether I felt anxious, small, or on edge around them. That awareness led to some painful realisations \u2014 including the fact that not everyone in my life was safe for me, even if I cared about them.<\/p>\n Stepping back from certain relationships wasn\u2019t about blame or punishment. It was about learning to protect a nervous system<\/a> that had spent years in survival mode.<\/p>\n I also had to learn how to be on my own without immediately filling the space. For someone whose sense of self had been built around attachment<\/a> and approval, that was deeply uncomfortable. But over time, being alone stopped feeling like abandonment<\/a> and started to feel like contact \u2014 with myself, my needs, and my boundaries.<\/p>\n I became more curious about my urges rather than acting on them. Instead of automatically numbing, pleasing, or escaping, I learned to pause and ask what part of me was activated and what it might need.<\/p>\n I still have patterns. I still notice old parts of me wanting to take over when I\u2019m tired, or stressed. The difference now is that I recognise them. I have choices where I once had compulsion. I have boundaries where I once had none. And I have a relationship with myself that doesn\u2019t collapse when someone else leaves or disappoints me.<\/p>\n I\u2019m not at the end of the journey \u2014 and I don\u2019t believe there is an end point. But I am in a very different place to where I started. One that feels steadier, kinder, and far more my own.<\/p>\n If any of this feels familiar, I want you to know this: you\u2019re not weak, broken, or behind.<\/p>\n The patterns you may be living with now \u2014 the numbing, the people-pleasing, the self-doubt, the feeling of being lost in other people \u2014 are not signs that something is wrong with you. They\u2019re signs that parts of you learned how to survive without enough safety or support.<\/p>\n Change doesn\u2019t start with willpower. It starts with understanding, compassion, and being met rather than judged.<\/p>\n Because of my own journey \u2014 and the work I now do with others \u2014 I\u2019m creating something I wish I\u2019d had earlier on.<\/p>\n In June, I\u2019ll be launching an online, self-paced course called:<\/p>\n Coming Home to Yourself<\/strong> It\u2019s designed for people who want to begin this work at home, in their own time \u2014 especially those who know that early experiences still shape how they relate to themselves and others. It isn\u2019t about fixing yourself or rushing toward an \u201cafter.\u201d It\u2019s about learning how to understand your inner world and respond to yourself with more safety and care.<\/p>\n Whether or not that\u2019s the right fit for you, I want you to know this: support exists. Change is possible. And you don\u2019t have to have everything figured out to begin.<\/p>\n Sometimes the bravest thing we can do is stop running from ourselves \u2014 and start coming home, gently, one step at a time.<\/p>\n Andrea, x<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" There is a version of me that people see now \u2014 calm, grounded, put together. A therapist. Someone with boundaries, direction, and a strong sense of self. And that version of me is real. But it isn\u2019t where I started. I\u2019m aware that when you\u2019re struggling \u2014 with addiction, codependency, the aftermath of abuse, or … <\/p>\n
It\u2019s a story about becoming.<\/p>\n
\nWho I Used to Be (Before I Had the Language)<\/strong><\/h2>\n
\nUnderstanding Came Slowly<\/strong><\/h2>\n
\nWhat Therapy Gave Me<\/strong><\/h2>\n
\nWhere I Am Now \u2014 Not Finished, Just Different<\/strong><\/h2>\n
\nWhy This Matters for You<\/strong><\/h2>\n
A Gentle Guide to Inner Child Healing and Self-Worth After Abuse<\/em><\/p>\n![\"inner-child-healing.alt\"](\"https:\/\/thehealingnest.co.uk\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/02\/inner-child-healing-214x300.jpeg\")