{"id":439,"date":"2025-07-26T16:30:43","date_gmt":"2025-07-26T15:30:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thehealingnest.co.uk\/blog\/?p=439"},"modified":"2025-07-26T16:30:43","modified_gmt":"2025-07-26T15:30:43","slug":"they-told-us-one-thing-but-showed-us-another-unlearning-childhood-messages-to-break-the-cycle","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thehealingnest.co.uk\/blog\/they-told-us-one-thing-but-showed-us-another-unlearning-childhood-messages-to-break-the-cycle\/","title":{"rendered":"They Told Us One Thing but Showed Us Another: Unlearning Childhood Messages to Break the Cycle"},"content":{"rendered":"

Many of us grew up hearing well-meaning phrases like \u201cYou can be anything you want,\u201d<\/em> or \u201cYou don\u2019t need anyone to complete you.\u201d<\/em> But if we\u2019re honest, those words didn\u2019t always match the actions we witnessed.<\/p>\n

Maybe our parents said all the right things\u2014but couldn\u2019t live them. And whether we realised it or not, we absorbed the real<\/em> messages through what they did, not what they said<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

This disconnect can leave a deep imprint\u2014one that shapes our self-worth<\/a>, confidence, and even our relationships well into adulthood. The good news is that by noticing these old patterns, we can choose something different. We can begin to rebuild our self-esteem and pass on healthier messages to the next generation\u2014messages that feel<\/em> true, because we live them.<\/p>\n

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When Actions and Words Don\u2019t Match<\/strong><\/h2>\n

Children don\u2019t just listen\u2014they watch. They notice how adults treat themselves, how they cope with failure, and how they respond to others. We might remember hearing positive, empowering words\u2014but if the actions told a different story, that\u2019s the message that stuck.<\/p>\n

I grew up surrounded by strong women. At least, that\u2019s what they told me.<\/p>\n

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\u201cWe\u2019re strong women. We don\u2019t need a man.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

That was the mantra passed down through the generations of women in my family. But the reality I witnessed was very different. I saw the women in my family running after men who treated them badly\u2014tolerating poor behaviour, sacrificing their needs, and tying their self-worth to being chosen. As a child, I couldn\u2019t articulate it, but I felt the contradiction. I was told we were powerful, independent\u2014but what I saw was deep emotional dependence. That gap left me confused, and over time, I internalised both the words and<\/em> the insecurity.<\/p>\n

My mum also told me I could do anything\u2014that I was far too good to be a hairdresser. She meant it as encouragement. But when I did qualify, she wouldn\u2019t let me cut her hair. She always went to someone else at the salon. That might sound small, but it stuck. Her words said \u201cI believe in you,\u201d<\/em> but her actions said \u201cNot quite enough to trust you.\u201d\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

She was saying I was too good to be a hairdresser. But showing that I wasn’t even<\/em> good enough to be one. These weren\u2019t cruel or intentional wounds. They were just contradictions<\/strong>\u2014the subtle, often unconscious ways our caregivers passed down their own unresolved fears and beliefs. But they shape us all the same.<\/p>\n

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And Then I Did the Same\u2026<\/strong><\/h2>\n

When I became a mother, I was adamant that I would raise my daughters with more confidence than I had. I wanted to empower them, to give them the belief I never had in myself. I told them they were strong, capable, and could do anything.<\/p>\n

But the truth is, they didn\u2019t just hear what I said\u2014they saw how I lived.<\/p>\n

They watched me shrink in front of bullying parents at the school gates. They saw me stay silent to avoid confrontation. They observed the people-pleaser in me, desperate to be liked so clinging to toxic ‘friends’. They witnessed me enter abusive relationships, and absorb mistreatment in the name of love or keeping the peace.<\/p>\n

And so, despite my best intentions, I was handing down the very same confusion I\u2019d inherited. That\u2019s what generational trauma looks like<\/strong>. Not just in the big, obvious ways\u2014but in the quiet, consistent moments where our actions betray the beliefs we want<\/em> to pass on.<\/p>\n

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Healing the Disconnect Starts with Us<\/strong><\/h2>\n

We can\u2019t go back and change the messages we received\u2014or the ones we\u2019ve unintentionally passed on. But we can <\/em>choose to become more conscious. More aligned. More whole.<\/p>\n

Because healing isn\u2019t about being perfect. It\u2019s about being honest<\/strong>, especially with ourselves.<\/p>\n

And when we begin to rebuild our own self-worth\u2014from the inside out\u2014we naturally stop handing down shame<\/a>, fear, and confusion. We start to show up differently. We model courage, boundaries, compassion, and truth. Not because we\u2019re telling others how to live, but because we\u2019re living it ourselves.<\/p>\n

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The Power of Reparenting Ourselves<\/strong><\/h2>\n

Whether you\u2019re raising children, healing your inner child<\/a>, or both\u2014this work matters. It allows us to finally step off the hamster wheel of inherited pain and step into something new: conscious, grounded living<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

Ask yourself:<\/p>\n