As children, we are dependent on our caregivers. For food, love, safety, warmth and more. We learn to adapt our innate behaviour, in order to ensure our survival.<\/p>\n
One of the first ways that we adapt during times when we are hurting or lonely is to form an imagination that we are safe, and loved. We fantasise that we are with someone who loves us and will never leave us. This fantasy of being at one with our caregiver acts as a defence, helping relieve anxiety and emotional pain at times of distress. It’s a coping strategy.<\/p>\n
This adaptation, the ‘fantasy bond’, happens at such an early age that it is an unconscious process. Nonetheless, it is still operating in most of us even though we are now adults, and no longer dependent on our caregivers. Though a fantasy bond is established early in life as a way to feel safe and connected, especially when one\u2019s parents weren\u2019t available or nurturing their needs, people go on to recreate these bonds in their adult relationships as a way to feel protected and loved.<\/p>\n
The term ‘Fantasy Bond’ was first coined by Dr Robert Firestone<\/a>, who described the theory in adulthood as follows;<\/p>\n \u201cMany people have a deep-rooted fear of intimacy and are self-protective but at the same time are terrified of being alone. The solution to their emotional dilemma is to form a fantasy bond. This illusion of connection and closeness allows them to maintain an imagination of love and loving while preserving emotional distance\u201d<\/p>\n Fantasy bonds are, in essence, when you bond and attach to someone based on who you believe they can be or will be or what you believe they can or will be able to give you in the future. This is not the same as wanting to grow old with someone and feeling excited to see their development through life’s journey. This is enduring poor behaviour, disappointment, unmet needs, and sometimes abuse, \u00a0because you subconsciously believe that one day your partner will change and provide better for you. Examples include thinking that things will improve ‘when we get married’…’when we have children’… Or, ‘it’s because of what he\/she has been through but deep down they are a good person’…<\/p>\n Signs You Are In A Fantasy Bond<\/strong><\/p>\n Breakdown in communication. Healing\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n In order to move past fantasy bonds, you must be willing to work through your own issues, patterns and defences, see the person for who they are, and engage with them in that authentic space.<\/p>\n Journalling helps us to see what is actually happening instead of what we would like to be happening.<\/p>\n
\nLess affection and more impersonal or routinised lovemaking.
\nLoss of independence.
\nSpeaking as one person.
\nUsing everyday routines as symbols of closeness.
\nUtilising role-determined behaviours as props in a fantasy bond.
\nEngaging in customs and conventional responses as substitutes for real closeness.<\/p>\n